Passion at Night

[camdizzle]

Outside, two lovers embrace.
Passion meets passion as their eyes close.
Unable to physically see, their senses are
Replaced by pure emotion and true
Fulfillment, as the human need for desire is
Met at last.
Ecstasy rises like Mercury,
Building and building until, at last!
Climax of climaxes!
A symphony of the gods
Booms behind a glorious spectacle of lights!
“SHUT THE **** UP! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I cry from my apartment.
I hear no symphonies and see no lights.
Only animal noises and a couple
Macking on the lawn.
My clock glows a wry ‘2:47.’
The nerve of some people.















I wrote that for the Lyric challenge. I didn't expect it to win or anything, as it was kind of a joke. It was supposed to be funny, let me know what you guys thought

[Nightvision]

It's pretty good - I'm guessing you've been writing for a while, as it doesn't really have the hallmarks of someone's 'first effort'. Technically, you seem to know what you're doing - although I have to confess a little bit of structure wouldn't have gone amiss here.

It's difficult to say much more than that from this piece, as it's not intended to be taken too seriously, and I'm trying not to take it as such. Also, you win the award for being only the second person to ever post a 'humourous' song on here that wasn't as funny as being shot in the neck, so good job on that one. :)

[Surtr]

Outside, two lovers embrace.
Passion meets passion as their eyes close.
Unable to physically see, their senses are
Replaced by pure emotion and true
Fulfillment, as the human need for desire is
Met at last.
Ecstasy rises like Mercury,
Building and building until, at last!
Climax of climaxes!
A symphony of the gods
Booms behind a glorious spectacle of lights!
“SHUT THE **** UP! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I cry from my apartment.
I hear no symphonies and see no lights.
Only animal noises and a couple
Macking on the lawn.
My clock glows a wry ‘2:47.’
The nerve of some people.

Despite the fact it was a "joke" this is actually good stuff, with the except of my bolded line. Find another way to say it, that still conveys the same feeling and as strongly and non-poetically, but just comes across better and you've got yourself a decent piece of work.

[TojesDolan]

mercury is lying around lol

[camdizzle]

Despite the fact it was a "joke" this is actually good stuff, with the except of my bolded line. Find another way to say it, that still conveys the same feeling and as strongly and non-poetically, but just comes across better and you've got yourself a decent piece of work.

I see your point, but I think you're taking it a bit too seriously. If you want it in serious terms, the "SHUT THE **** UP..." line is a sever contrast to the beauty outside. My mood vs. thiers. My language vs. theirs Thus: irony.

[benjaminfranklin]

I dunno, swear words are quite clumsy, especially f*** and it really interferes with the rest of it. Although you might want it to cut in quite brutally, you might also consider that the reader is instantly drawn to that particular line because of its language, and it is by no means the most eloquent or interesting line of the piece.

[benjaminfranklin]

Actually, scrap that. I've reread it and I quite like it now.

Possibly you could split the line line? So instead of making it a single statement "Shut the f*** up i'm trying to sleep". Do something like "Shut the f*** up" I cry / From my apartment. "Im trying to sleep".

This would make it less brutal but keep it comic and keep the flow going.

Hmmmmm. I'm not really sure about that idea actually, but yea. Thought i'd post it anyway, let me know if you think it's any use.

cheers.