Accident

[TojesDolan]

Accident

There is a loose leg in my chair,
but I kept from falling
remembering there are
bloodstains in your bedsheets,
bloodstains in my carpet.

I drank a glass of Jupiter's satellites,
flashing asteroids rain soaked in
sunlit planetary reflections;
she broke down before,
why not in front of
exploding twilight remnants in
an airless, bottomless space or
a storm of colors inside
the reborn aroma of
you, you are not a star anymore.

Oh. That's what happens when you fall down from great heights.

[i am the robots]

Pretty bitchin'

[Neoteric]

Nice Tojes.

[Surtr]

Haha its so hard to pay attention to it with you're avatar going off beside it :lol:

What I could make out while going blind/taking a seizure was rather well written. There's a lot of sorta' "big" words though, which isn't bad, but in my opinion it feels better if its more "simple". But hey thats just me, so keep it as it is if you like it that way.

[DanGoop]

that's really good tojes

[Surf]

There's some tense issues in the first few lines which don't make sense.

There is a loose leg in my chair, <--present
but I kept from falling <-- past

I'd put the first line in the past tense.

The rest of the first stanza is good. Maybe change 'in' to 'on', stains are usually on something rather than in them.

I loved the second stanza. Some of the line breaks were a bit jilted, where you'd ended of a connective (of, in etc) so maybe some touching up there. Other than that, great ending to the piece.

I really liked the imagery here. It sits quite heavily over the story, but just allows the reader to search for more depth in the piece. Cool stuff.

[beans]

very nice man, good writings