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Surf
01-09-2008, 08:35 PM
Mother Tongue


Not wind blown America, beckoning
street words and train cars
That gentle night, travelled and proud
where men wrote old song stories
and found their land in their verse
and their pens painted nostalgia
which grew on the page
and they traced a line
down Offa's spine
which dribbled like spilled string
down through brick red trees
in a pointillist curve
and they dripped over hills
swelling like waves
breaking against the fields
grass and mud
knotted hedges and cloud shapes
like veins and liver spots
peeling across the ground

Where the language ebbs
unravelling with influence
and moving on the air
the wry vowel sounds
which I never spoke
in the gargled voice
and would only see on paper headers
and effete street furniture
from the small cities
which would grab a footnote
on the weather casts
Not 'croeso', the muddied dust sign
over the bridge, the riverrun
deep, the anthem sounds,
that welsh harp plucking consonance
on the mother tongue television
like normal, dubbed, and a week
later. Withdrawing English money
underneath dripping flower baskets
hanging from rust laced brackets
peppered down the high street
like a picture of a painting

and this crumbly word I heard,
It meant a longing
or a yearning for home
and I it looked up
in a withered dictionary
in my parent's old house.
it wasn't taught in school
or used in the bars and homes
or churches, shops or tourist spots:
'Hireath'
and it was just another word



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First thing I've posted in a while, this needs some changes I think, but I'm a bit lost.

Any help is appreciated, crit for crit as usual.

I'll get critting properly tomorrow when I've got the day done.

bowl of oranges
01-10-2008, 01:58 PM
I'll give this a proper crit sometime soon.

Initial impressions, i like the first stanza, not much to complain about, second stanza draggggggggged and some of the line breaks stalled the flow for me, final stanza i liked a lot.

As i said better crit will come...

TojesDolan
01-18-2008, 12:26 AM
dot!

RunAmokRampant
01-18-2008, 12:38 AM
Well, this is a very engaging piece. I love the imagery of language and words, it is very uniquely conveyed and is just downright publish-able imo. Some parts that don't seem to connect with the consistency of this is the

'Withdrawing English money
near pub lights dripping flower baskets
on rust laced brackets
hanging through the rain

into the night, you'd see the baskets
watered, before going home.'

part. It's very nice but it seems to go on a tangent I can't follow. I think condensing this would help sharpen the imagey of the other stuff, although it is entirely up to you. One thing I'd like to ask is the opening line 'Not in America'. I find it intriguing but was wondering what you meant by it.

Surf
02-11-2008, 09:31 AM
I forgot about this, bump and edit I guess.

RAR: I edited that ending bit, that was where my mind started going off (like you say on tangents) and it was too specific and personal a memory really to work in the context, plus I didn't really explain it.

The 'Not in America' part is a referring to Dylan Thomas and W H Davis (more specifically Davis seeing as he's from the part of wales that I am). Both are really the major poets to come out of Wales in the last 100 or so years, and both of them traveled to America, and spent alot of time there, but are still considered Welsh.


plus I liked the similarities and contrasts with Ginsberg's America

Or something....