Existentialism in a Shoe

[Aryl7]

He's been shoe-gazing for three hours,
(bird watching for the insecure...
the ground is safe and limited.)
and has come to the conclusion
that if jesus happened to one day
come back from that big disco in the sky,
the FBI would probably have him arrested
and shoved in a cell with a tax evader
and a Goliath with scars and a
tear drop tattoo next to his left eye.
They'd become his new disciples
and escape through the walls.
NUMBER 1 MOST WANTED:
"jesus christ", it's getting late
and the sun is straddling the horizon.

[Surtr]

Not sure what Existentialism has a whole lot to do with Jesus. Also I'm not to into the whole sorta' sarcastic sorta' non-serious kinda' stuff. Maybe you and other people are, we'll see when other people post, but for me it pretty much only adds to the mediocrity of this piece.

Also the way everything is just put together like that doesn't do it for me. Get more than one BIG stanza going.

[asomata]

and a Goliath with scars and a
tear drop tattoo next to his left eye.
They'd become his new disciples


you only mention one person, and then 'they'd become his new disciples.' considering the sarcastic nature you could probably get by with just making the first 2 lines plural, but I'm not sure that would get the effect you want.

And I'd figure he'd be more likely to wind up in an asylum than a prison, but thats just being picky.

Beyond that I thought it was good.

[Surtr]

Wow, you can read rather well can't you?


and shoved in a cell with a tax evader
and a Goliath with scars

I count two there. The tax evader and a Goliath.

[asomata]

Ah. Somehow I misread that... Whoops.

Okay, well the crit where I mentioned that is formally withdrawn, I suppose.

And while I'm here again, I think the end could be a little stronger, though I don't think I have any specific advice on that.