I get older everytime

[Seeders]

I flew all alone on an airplane
Gazing at the safety out the window
As children cried wishing they were at home
I wondered if I should call her on the airphone

I sat down with her at a table
Searching out the window for an answer
Surrounded by the sound of fake laughter
I wondered of the motives she was after

I stood there stranded on a grass hill
Staring at the people past her shoulder
Knowing its the last time that i'll hold her
And suddenly I felt a little older

CHORUS:
When that women comes around
I find myself speaking aloud
All the thoughts I know will get me nowhere
I can never understand
Why I stand the game at hand
When everytime I play I get older

'Cause everytime I play I grow older

[SugarCoatedSour]

I don't want to critique it, but I thought it was very good.

[Seeders]

thanks. however, i felt i needed to change some things.

[camdizzle]

I like it. No criticism for now

[Seeders]

im glad you like it.

[Neoteric]

A nice story, I like the rhyming scheme. It's simple but that's no bad thing.

[bowl of oranges]

Firstly, this is miles better than the last thing i read from you.

On the whole i quite enjoyed it, some of the rhyming seem to fit and aid the flow whereas in some spots it seemed to be a little over the top and detracted. I think incorporating rhyming successfully is a hard thing to do, you didn't quite succeed.

It's good to see that you're developing and in my eyes improving as a writer though. Well done.

[Seeders]

Thanks for the comments.

Where do you think the rhyming was over the top and/or detracting?

[Neoteric]

I think he might be speaking about these bits:

When that women comes around
I find myself speaking aloud
All the thoughts I know will get me nowhere
I can never understandI sat down with her at a table
Searching out the window for an answer
Surrounded by the sound of fake laughter
I wondered of the motives she was after

[ashot2thehead]

thats pretty sweet. wish i could write lyrics like that, but my inspiration has left me...

good job

[Seeders]

thats pretty sweet. wish i could write lyrics like that, but my inspiration has left me...

good job

All I did is imagine one scene without planning out anything. Then just built on that and see where it took me. This piece probably changed "what it was about" in my mind like 10 times while i was writing it. Point is you dont really need inspiration to start, only to finish.