First Lyrics

[fighttest89]

This is my first real attempt at writing lyrics. These lyrics are designed for the psychadelic band I'm currently involved in, which up until now has been instrumental. The lyrics are based on a short sci-fi story I wrote, and I've included a short synopsis below to hopefully help with interpreting the lyrics.

There's a scientist. He's feeling pretty bitter about his personal life and just the general state of things on Earth. As far as he's concerned, people are walking around in their own little dream worlds, oblivious to the pain and suffering that surrounds them. However, he does hold out some hope that things might be better in the afterlife than they are on Earth. So he builds a machine designed to blow up the Sun, which will then expand and envelope the Earth and take everyone to whatever afterlife there might be. So, the scientist launches the machine towards the sun, and is initially pretty happy about doing it. However, when the machine reaches the Sun and detonates, the scientist recognizes all the beauty that surrounds him and wishes he could stop it. However, he's too late to save the Earth from incineration. The scientist spends his last moments regretting what he did, wishing it were just a dream.

Here are the lyrics. Constructive critiscism and ideas for improvement are welcome and appreciatted. Thanks.

We’re all living in a dream
And no one knows quite what it means
So what’s the point of dreaming?
So what’s the point of dreaming anymore?

Waking from a dream, on blue and green
Another blow, the things you know
A fatal scene, with a machine
The sun will sympathetically explode
Mercifully explode

Cuts marked in the ground, red on brown
The sound resounds, it’s all around
A steady hum, to marching drums
Going round and round and round
But no one makes a sound

Flashing through the trees, in golden green
With a machine, the end of things
You never know, quite where it goes
And is it ever really over?
No it’s never really over

Red and white collide to sink the sun
I want it now but now it’s done
And what’s the point in dying
If only I were dreaming…

[Surtr]

We’re all living in a dream
And no one knows quite what it means
So what’s the point of dreaming?
So what’s the point of dreaming anymore?

First stanza isn't too bad.

Waking from a dream, on blue and green
Another blow, the things you know
A fatal scene, with a machine
The sun will sympathetically explode
Mercifully explode

The re-use of dream following using it a fair bit in the previous stanza isn't fantastic. Find another word and get off the word "dream". Also this loses the feeling of someone just "talking" that you've established in the first stanza. Try to head back to the feeling you had built there and use more realistic phrases.

Cuts marked in the ground, red on brown
The sound resounds, it’s all around
A steady hum, to marching drums
Going round and round and round
But no one makes a sound

The last line loses it. Decent imagery here and I enjoyed it, also there's just too much "ound" rhyming for my liking. Again, try to head back to the first stanza feel.

Flashing through the trees, in golden green
With a machine, the end of things
You never know, quite where it goes
And is it ever really over?
No it’s never really over

Try another word other than machine. Also watch the rhyme scheme or at least the general structure and feel of the poem and don't let it get away from you.

Red and white collide to sink the sun
I want it now but now it’s done
And what’s the point in dying
If only I were dreaming…

The last line has a good idea but its not very well executed. Find another way to end it. I know what emotion you're going for but the delivery comes short and doesn't feel quite right.

Any questions go ahead and ask as this does have some potential regardless of how awful the story line seems to be (Though if it were to be written properly could be interesting).

[NINisGOD]

Overall it looks decent. I just think the ending is a bit blunt and boring.

[camdizzle]

Cuts marked in the ground, red on brown
The sound resounds, it’s all around
A steady hum, to marching drums
Going round and round and round
But no one makes a sound

Tooooo much rhyming on the same '-ound' sound. It's nice to have a consistent rhyme pattern, but you rhyme '-ound' 7 and a half times (brown was close) in four lines. It looks ridiculous.

Other than that, I would have to hear it with music. The lyrics by themselves don't really express that much emotion, especially if it's supposed to be from the perspective of someone who's just realized how beautiful the world is right before it's destroyed.

[indifference]

i agree with the above statement, its over doing the '-ound' sound alot and makes the verse sound kind of slow and elongated..but the imagery and the meaning behind it sounds good...i would love to hear it with music behind it, do you have it recorded anywere??!!