"Sick"

[JaXAttacks]

Feedback? thanks. (no this is not Anti-God haha)

It's twisting in my hands
These blood-drenched hands of mine
I'd invent so much with your blood
I'll rip the life from the soul

God, you're twisting in my hands
But i can't let you go
I'm losing all control now
I'll rip the life from the soul

God, i've fallen again
And i keep watching the flakes as they fall
And the rain keeps falling down on me
And the rain keeps falling down...

God, hold still...

[NINisGOD]

What kind of band would sing it/how would it be sung? I think thats important to know before I judge the lyrics. Right now all I can say is it looks decent IF performed correctly..

[camdizzle]

Try to find a different word for "fall" in the last stanza. You use it once every line and it takes away from its effect.

Other than that, it just isn't very developed. I like what you've done so far, but it could definitely be expanded.

[BobJoHankins]

yeah this could easily be expanded. As i interpret it, this is some insane guy who kills people and is hardcore religious. but you can also make it happier, like hes killing ppl brutally but hes happy and thus more insane but good idea

Suggestions:
1st stanza, don't use blood so much, its gone to the point were its just silly
3rd stanza, ether take out "flakes" or change rain, because those are different but similar weather conditions and they don't work together
All: the line "i'll rip life from the soul" troubles me. soul is life, you can't rip life from life, but you can rip soul from body or mind. just my view

[JaXAttacks]

thanks everybody for feedback :]

the guitar parts/mood to the song are mainly influenced by/can be compared to
"The Clincher" - Chevelle
and "Sifting" - Nirvana

everything is slightly maniacally crooned
with "God" and "Hold still" screamed, (including the stanzas)

as for expanding, i agree that it readily could be
but, imo, this makes for a (not boring) 4-plus minute song
i will consider changing the use of "fall" and perhaps "blood"
"fall" has a stronger case, being used 3 times almost in a row
but, personally, the "bloods", when sung, are less blunt

but i will edit, thanks again :]

oh, p.s. "flakes" (here) are not weather-related
maybe i should separate "And the rain..." into its own shorter stanza?

[JaXAttacks]

okay i've edited the last stanza:

God, I'd fold up again
Just to keep watching the flakes as they fall
And the rain keeps pouring down on me
And the rain keeps pouring down...

the "hold stills" were also reduced extensively
since they were used repeatedly after certain stanzas in the song version
and the intro, ending, and transitions have all been shortened in guitar parts
making the new song around 3 minutes

thank you all :chug:

[asher2658]

wow karim your an idiot....this is massivly anti god and your not emo...next time i see you im gunna hand you a razer blade and smile....=D

[Skinfish]

Shhhhhh.