steam cacophany

[asomata]

sometimes i feel that its not neurons firing,
but pistons and gears that are making my head spin,
turning over each other, pulsating in rhythm
to emotions that don't even really exist

well, i hope you can forgive me for not wanting to be myself
or always trying so hard to get lost in someone else
i'm just grinding out life in degrees and r.p.m.s
and sometimes i fail to notice whats ticking on these lips

oh, i forget just what i am...

but if you'll listen, then maybe you'll believe
there's more to me than these calculated strategies
that have left us all so broken and boring,
convulsing on the floor like busted machines

we all forget what we really are...

'cause the wires get crossed on the way to our feelings
creating a bunch of bullsh!t that we think must mean something
in the end we just have overly complicated beliefs
and we're trying much too hard to fulfill a simple need

[DeadReligion]

sometimes i feel that its not neurons firing,
but pistons and gears that are making my head spin,
turning over each other, pulsing in rhythm
to everything i think that i shouldn't ever feel again
^ The last line...what? It makes no sense, make it clearer, or change the line. Other than that, good opener.

well, i hope you can forgive me for not wanting to be myself
or always trying so hard to get lost in someone else
i'm just grinding out life in degrees and r.p.m.s
and sometimes i fail to notice whats ticking on these lips
^ The first two lines here suck, find more interesting wording. The second two, on the other hand, are excellent.

and sometimes i forget just who i am,
well, who you keep reminding me that i am
^ Take this out.

but if you'll listen, maybe you'll believe
there's more to me than these calculated strategies
that have left us all so broken and boring,
convulsing passionless on the floor like broken machines
^ Good, except for "passionless" it just ****s up the flow. This is good, very good. Oh, the first line is excessive, too, I'd take it out have have this be a three-liner. That'd make it pretty excellent.

and sometimes we forget just who we are
we always need to be reminded just who we are
^ Hackneyed.

then alway the wires get crossed on the way to our feelings
and create a bunch of bullpoop that we think means something
in the end we just have overly complicated beliefs
trying much too hard to fulfill a simple need
^ "Then always?" It should be something like "The wires get crossed before the feelings get through" the way it is now, doesn't convey what I think you mean to convey. Other than that, GREAT ender.

Overall this was subtle, somber, short and sweet. There are a few black patches, but its pretty damn good. Is this one of your first (I'm assuming based on your 11 post count)? If so, then really good job. 6.8/10 Can you crit my "The Fires Of Chimera?"

[DeadReligion]

Oh, and it's spelled "cacophony."

[asomata]

edit/bump

now an edit on this one:

misspelling in the thread title was a typo, i swear!