Waiting and Wishing

[asher2658]

Well I don't see this ever becoming a song but well here you go:thumb:.....

I stand on a carpet, waiting for flight.
It won’t come.

I kneel on the floor, waiting for a yes.
It won’t come.

I sit at a desk, waiting for inspiration.
It won’t come.

I lie with my eyes closed, waiting for a dream.
It won’t come.

I fly from my bed, waiting to get back to reality.
It won’t come.

I float in heaven, waiting for the world to end.
It already has.

[BobJoHankins]

it just sound like a y does the world suck type thing. the imagery is not too great. the repetition worked in getting me to get excited and keep reading, but then the end didn't satisfy, but thats not as important.

next time try using more imagery then literalness

[DeadReligion]

It's repetitive. Really, really repetitive.

[Surf]

This needs more substance. Its a bit too vague, there's nothing really specific and the message or the idea is muddied by the structure: you really too heavily on the repetition, which in turn distracts from the message.

I like the the gradual build up, that works well. Even though some of the images are slightly cliche, I would expand them. A little more in the way of description would help this piece alot.

[Surtr]

Its pretty boring. Could use a new title too. And like Surf, in his ever genius ways has said, it needs more too it!

Not half bad though, its got potential.

[asher2658]

Well what i was trying to do was use a different stance each one...such as I lie, I sit, i stand, I float. and thats why its short....but how can i make it so that it doesent repet itself so many times....the build up is what makes the end kind of pop out.....how can i take out the "It wont come" with out taking out the build up to the end of the poem. also how can i add more imagery to an abstract poem?

[DeadReligion]

Abstract is overrated. If people can't figure it out, they won't care about it. I'm guessing that isn't your aim?

[asher2658]

uhh no...... tell me urs and ill IM u later

[DeadReligion]

Uh...seriously?

[Nadinus]

Am I the only one who liked it?
I don't know, yeah it wasn't that sophisticated in the language but as personal preference I don't think you should try and contrive feeling or imagery.
I wouldn't use "ball" in the first line, it connects too closely with "dog" and creates connotations. Maybe "waiting for the rain"?
Also:
"I lie closed-eyed" sounds better than "I lie with my eyes closed" imo.
A way of varying it would be to change "waiting" for various other verbs. If you started with something trivial like "expecting" and built it up to something like "desperate" (I know that is probably too strong for this poem), to then bring it down with "waiting".

[J Rad]

I'm making one of my dreaded posts in here.

The poem was juvenile.

I stand on a field, waiting for a ball.
It won’t come.

I kneel on the floor, waiting for my dog.
It won’t come.

How old are you? This isn't adult poetry and to be perfectly honest I could see someone under the age of 10 really getting into this but your fan base basically ends there.

If you're trying to accomplish an effective but abstract poem, you want to use a more enveloping subject. Don't try to be obscure just for the sake of being obscure - build connections. Your stanzas don't flow together, your concept lacks a foundation or any real meaning, and the only line that portrays any kind of real depth or beauty is the one that you edited in at the end.

You need to work on your ability to portray imagery and emotion before you're going to create anything interesting.

That's about it. I'm not going to suggest new lines or revisions because it's not my poem and it's up to you to change what needs to be changed and improve your own ability to write.

[asher2658]

im 14.....and Nadinus thanks for the advice...i might make changes later....

[asher2658]

DeadReligion, i thought u wantend my aim srry...ahaha wait why did u ask "I'm guessing that isn't your aim?" w/e

[DeadReligion]

Aim as in goal, objective.

[asher2658]

HHAHAHAHA I feel really stupid now lol =P

[camdizzle]

The structure is good. It's repetitive, but you might be able to make it work. Your lines are what kill you.

I stand on a field, waiting for a ball.
It won’t come.

I kneel on the floor, waiting for my dog.
It won’t come.

I sit at a desk, waiting for inspiration.
It won’t come.

all of these are just really... lame I guess. There isn't much depth when you talk about waiting for a ball or your dog. I picture a 10 year old writing this. Sitting at a desk, waiting for inspiration is a little better, but try using a different setting.

[asher2658]

yea i needed fillers i wrote this at 2 in the morning and yea haha