Thoughts of a Dying Man

[snoogans]

Thoughts of a Dying Man

Is there a place were I can think?
Is there a place were I can breathe?
Is there a place for my soul to rest?
Maybe a place just for me

I look ahead to places I can go
Just a place were I’m not fully known
A place far far away
A place to get my head straight

My body feels tired and dead
Like a .45 full of lead
Is this what I need in my hand?
Is this what I need to go to that special land?

Will this place make me happy?
Will this place make my cry?
Will I meet my wife before I die?
This is life through my eyes

Thoughts? any feedback?

[snoogans]

any commments please?

[liz123]

It lacks anything interesting really. It's repetitive, too many unneeded questions and rhyming isn't good. Keep working on it, at least you have the basis to what you want to say... now work on "decorating" it. This may require you to delete quite a bit adding metaphors, similes etc

[snoogans]

It lacks anything interesting really. It's repetitive, too many unneeded questions and rhyming isn't good. Keep working on it, at least you have the basis to what you want to say... now work on "decorating" it. This may require you to delete quite a bit adding metaphors, similes etc

cheers for the feedback mate!