"The Sandbox"

[JaXAttacks]

I decided this song would be the best to use for my first post. I would like feedback, if possible, as well as any comments you may have. Note: this song is a tribute to Underoath, (esp. Define the Great Line, and the first verse came to me immediately after hearing "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door", so if you find a meaning to those words, let me know. :)

"The Sandbox"

Roy, the soul of the patron's there
'Cause I know they're waiting there
For me; f*** me
The cries of a thousand souls…

[oooo] Light, and the darkness begins to hide
Which blinds the fire; I can't see in your eyes
[oooo] Why do the feelings I feel inside,
Keep coming back to haunt me in time?

Call out my name, I swear I'll come...
Roy…

Roy, why have you gone astray?
Is it 'cause I left that day, unwillingly?
So skilled in the art: to write
If you read from left to right, then you're normal

But you're special to me…

It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable
It starts with one and ends with you…

[oooo] Light, and the darkness begins to hide
Which blinds the fire; I can't see in your eyes

Roy, he thinks I'm trying to take you away
But now the hitting turns to me
So if you read from left to right
You say you’re normal…

But you’re special to me…

It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable
It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable...
Roy…

Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox
Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox
Roy

It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable
It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable

Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox…

Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox…
([oooo] Light, and the darkness begins to hide. [4x]
Which blinds the fire; I can't see in your eyes)


- JaX Perot

[BobJoHankins]

for what underoath means, they are a christain band so i bet maybe those lyrics are about chris and the band's relationship with.

anyway one thing bugged me.


For me; f*** me


don't cuss. its silly, it doesn't really get a point across when compared to better lyrics. i don't know what rhyming or syllable thing you are doing, but try to use a word. like "forget"

also,

Naseem Layla Adorable
the use of a completely new name like this is (to me) ok if the song focuses on it, like a song called Jessica you mention jessica. but in this thing you have roy and Naseem, and Naseem doesn't seem to be a part of the song...

It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable...
Roy…


hmmm...
maybe i'm just completely missing the meaning, but i thign you need to give more meaning to Naseem or take it out completely to focus on Roy.

other than that,
terrific, really
:wave:

[JaXAttacks]

haha thanks a lot for the feedback

i see your point
and i've now changed
"For me; f*** me" to
"For me; forget me"
and you were correct, as i had that first one only for the sound it made
and not for any lyrical use

as for Roy and Naseem, it gets kind of complicated with the point-of-view
they are, in fact, the same person
but in the eyes of the narrator, they represent two different personalities of that person
one (Roy) has betrayed the narrator in a love-like relationship
and the other (Naseem) is worthy (to the narrator) of such nonsensical and sappy sayings such as,
"It starts with one and ends with you"
which makes perfect sense to the narrator because he is so blindly in love with Naseem

so the song's true meaning comes in the lyric:
"Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox"
which means that he wants Roy to stay as Naseem
so that he doesn't end up being heartbroken

Thanks lots! :thumb:

- JaX Perot

[BobJoHankins]

you should connect the two names in the lyrics (if you're gonna keep both)

sumthin like "I would love to call you Naseem, but you're too proud to be Roy."
great concept, but (i think) you need to connect the two names and thus their relationship. Great Anyway.

[JaXAttacks]

okay, so the first stanza is now:

Roy, the soul of Naseem is still there
For it has been waiting there
Convinced by the cries...
The cries of a thousand souls

[BobJoHankins]

k.
pretty gut

[JaXAttacks]

an update to the lyrics themselves
better imo to expressing what i wanted to
(the solo-ish part and chorus are placed at the end):

Roy, the soul of Naseem is there
Cause i know she's waiting there for me
Forget me, and the cries of a thousand souls

Oh light, the darkness begins to hide
Which blinds the fire, i can't see in your eyes
Oh why do feelings i feel inside,
Keep coming back to haunt me in time?

Call out my name, I swear I'll come
Roy...

Roy, the colors have faded there
Fading out as the black runs to white
So skilled in the art, to write
If you read from left to right, then you're normal

But you're special to me.

Roy, he thinks I'm trying to take you away
But now the hitting turns to me
So if you read from left to right...
You say you're normal...

But you're special to me.

It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable
It starts with one and ends with you
Naseem Layla Adorable (Roy?)

Roy, Roy, Roy, come back to the sandbox...

[SugarCoatedSour]

.....gah!!??!!