300 million people

[Seeders]

300 million people afraid of one big white house x4

I talked to a toothless lady
and she said theres people dying every day
I talked to a toothless lady
How long are you going to wait?
cuz in this world you cant afford
you cant afford one small mistake.

300 million people afraid of one big white house x4

I said I'm sorry Ms. Mary-anne
But theres nothing I can do
She said the government dont listen?
Well sorry boy, thats nothing new
And in this world you cant afford
you cant afford to listen to

300 million people afraid of one big white house x8

as always: crit for crit

[Silverhammer]

She said the government dont listen?
Well sorry boy, thats nothing new



change this to make sense.

the idea is nice, but the presentation is poor and too short. i did something similar and was giving the same feedback. to short-change a problem to a few lines does not help it any. expand the idea, images, and such. have other characters other than mary-ann. explore the problem through people, something that this can do and you have stated but lost your way on, fast. it has potential, if you take the time to revise. good luck.

[Seeders]

I said I'm sorry Ms. Mary-anne
But theres nothing I can do
She said the government dont listen?
Well sorry boy, thats nothing new
And in this world you cant afford
you cant afford to listen to

how doesn't that make sense? I said to mary-anne, "theres nothing i can do about the government being ****ed up" and she says "oh, are they not listening as expected? Well they never have anyway"

basically saying "Stop making excuses"

then she follows up saying "dont listen to what everyone else is saying (which is: "theres nothing we can do"), especially when theres 300 million of them and they're still afraid of the white house."

I can see how I could easily expand on this, but it just sorta came to me like this today. I wrote it in like 2 minutes.

[Silverhammer]

I said I'm sorry Ms. Mary-anne
But theres nothing I can do
She said the government dont listen?
Well sorry boy, thats nothing new
And in this world you cant afford
you cant afford to listen to

how doesn't that make sense? I said to mary-anne, "theres nothing i can do about the government being ****ed up" and she says "oh, are they not listening as expected? Well they never have anyway"

basically saying "Stop making excuses"

then she follows up saying "dont listen to what everyone else is saying (which is: "theres nothing we can do"), especially when theres 300 million of them and they're still afraid of the white house."

I can see how I could easily expand on this, but it just sorta came to me like this today. I wrote it in like 2 minutes.


well you have a statement as a question, there's nothing wrong with that but it sounds like a plea, then you are either are calling mary a boy or she replies to her own question in a carefree manner which doesn't make sense. the "well sorry boy" is what ultimately does not make sense and is throwing the other line off.

okay, you wrote it in 2 minutes, but now what. are you going to leave it for dead?

[Seeders]

you're misreading it.

it goes like this (if it were a book):

She said, "The government isn't listening? Well, sorry boy, thats nothing new. And in this world you can't afford to listen to 300 million people afraid of one big white house."

I'm the boy, and she is saying that.

[Seeders]

can i get some more feedback please? maybe from someone who understands it?

[broken_]

I'm not sure I get the relevance a toothless lady has, it's throwing me off. Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand how a toothless lady is symbolic at all, maybe clearing this one up for me might make me enjoy the piece more. Perhaps this is because you wrote it in 2 minutes, but I'm actually curious to know what you were thinking when you wrote this haha. Elaborate for me on where your coming from and I'll give a more constructive crit.

If you can drop some thoughts on my latest post it would be much appreciated!

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=540579

[Seeders]

shes toothless because shes poor and homeless. I really did talk to this woman, and we really did talk about this. She was poor and homeless because her husband was in vietnam, and when he got home he didnt get any aid from the government. the government gave them 86 dollars a month to live on, and that was it. he was unable to hold a regular job, and had no medical aid whatsoever.

So, in terms of this poem, she represents the experienced and the weak. She is wise, yet completely helpless and unable to do anything herself and is pleading with me to resist.

[fershizzle]

it seems to me to be a fast political punk song. its a bit short, so i would add onto the existing characters stories (toothless lady, maryanne), that would make it a little more dylan-esque.
also i think that
"300 million people afraid of one big white house"
is pretty lame, no offence.
i like the use of 300 million, but it comes across like a green day lyric.

hope this helps.

my song is called "Old Habits Die Hard (Especially in America)" and should be on the front page. it would be helpful if you could comment on it