Freewrite from work...

[OzZnfruitloops]

I've failed
at drawing you.
The ground below me vanishes.
I fall
for ages.

My arms flail,
trying desperately
to grab hold of something,
anything but clay.
Alas, I'm falling too fast to clutch.

Eventually
falling becomes home.
I could float here
forever.
I deserve this.

Providence is funny.
It strikes quickly,
It strikes true
bleeding for a blink
and healing instantly.

I draw a parachute
Ankh
on the top
and a perfect
ripcord.

I could
float here forever.
But I wont.
I grab hold of a wall
and start to climb.

It's a tough rise.
I'll be better though.
Just another chance
to see your face
and draw it.

----

Im debating if i should work this out in song format or not...

[einzweiveirfunf]

yeh, there doesn't reely seem to be a chorus

[Neoteric]

Not every song has a chorus.

[Reigns]

yeh, there doesn't reely seem to be a chorus

some of the best compositions have no chorus..my favorite example is coma by guns 'n roses.

http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=9787

10 minute song and not one line is repeated. pure brilliance, especially the end.

[OzZnfruitloops]

I know the deftones does have chorus', however I cant help but feel that if this had a feel, it would be like "RX Queen". Slow, and drawn out.

[class]

:lol: guns 'n roses "pure brilliance"

[SuperID]

That was really good compared to the things I've read here recently. Good imagery, and you've touched up on things I've been playing with for a while now. So in the end I can easily relate to this. Good Job.

[Surtr]

:lol: guns 'n roses "pure brilliance"

Hey, some GNR is pretty good mate.

And "Coma" isn't a bad song overall.

Not a lyrical genius of songs no, but it's not bad, there's definitely way worse out there.

And yeah, umm, I dunno what to really comment on here. It's like, you went for a rhyming scheme, in the body of a parrot......What I mean to say is there's no rhyming scheme, which isn't bad, but you've got this like..feeling that you wanted to have rhyming and rhyme schemes put in. It's evident at random parts where stuff comes close to rhyme, which I find when I'm writing is a sorta' subconcious act than concious.

You also haven't really a sorta' clear idea..I mean yeah there's an idea there, but you've gotta' keep in mind that you can't just be throwing in random things that make it sound cooler..

I draw a parachute
Ankh

I could be wrong, and this could be some sorta' Parachute term (....<_<....lmao) but what do Egyptian Religious symbols have to do with this....

I could be way off base on everything I said there, but I think you need to go back through, and just sort and clean the entire thing up. Re-vamp it all, as it's got a decent idea, but I can't say I quote like the way it's being conveyed.