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[r1mbaud]

not without grief for home or wife or child
oh! devout thief who roams the wild
defiled by the smiles of an innocent child
with a briefcase full of scholarly files
he walked and walked another mile
another mile for he doth seem so vile
but press on he shall for motion is a must
he feels the torment but do not all lust
he addresses the foul while his legs begin to rust
he states that he loathed this fate
he longs for the faces of these distant places
he transfixed his thoughts to plot a case
which even a deity could not deny
though as you know he's full of lies and whys
and weary sighs, he is but a thief of celestial spies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife divine

[r1mbaud]

c4c I'll accept any crits at all

[7SOR]

I'll give it a shot. I'm probably not as developed in the English language as I'd like to be, but I'd still be happy to give you my two cents.

not without grief for home or wife or child
oh! devout thief who roams the wild
defiled by the smiles of an innocent child
with a briefcase full of scholarly files
he walked and walked another mile
another mile for he doth seem so vile
but press on he shall for motion is a must
he feels the torment but do not all lust
he addresses the foul while his legs begin to rust
he states that he loathed this fate
he longs for the faces of these distant places
he transfixed his thoughts to plot a case
which even a deity could not deny
though as you know he's full of lies and whys
and weary sighs, he is but a thief of celestial spies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife divine

First and foremost, don't ignore punctuation. It is a very useful tool in establishing a point and giving your writing a greater and more gripping effect.

Now, I have a small idea what this could be about, which could lead to more progressive theories, but I don't think it's really solid enough to be a basis and would seem a bit absurd with the information given. I feel there is a very desperate theme present here. The character you describe has perhaps done something wrong and can not confront his family about it? The only thing holding me back from making that full assumption is your mentioning of "scholarly files" of which the symbolization evades me. There could be some better word choice here. I found myself getting a little bit bored with the vocabulary and I feel as though the character's personality was lost on the absence of more descriptive words. Connotation is also your best friend. Some of the rhyming also feels a bit forced. For instance, when you say his "while his legs begin to rust", you're contradicting yourself. You were saying that he was traveling a lot, always on the go. Rust would mean corroded over a time due to disuse. Make sure you know the complete definition of the word you're using and use it to your fullest advantage.

I'm going to pull out some examples now to show you what I mean:

he longs for the faces of these distant places
he transfixed his thoughts to plot a case

You have no earlier reference to a place of any sort and the only faces you have mentioned are that of his family which of whom could not be distant as you're referring to the place of which he is at ("these") instead of ("those"). Transfixed doesn't seemed to be used very appropriately right here. Another matter of choosing words carefully and taking advantage to the fullest of their meaning.

which even a deity could not deny
though as you know he's full of lies and whys

The first line's a little weak but I have no real problem with it. Although the use of "whys", is still technically grammatically correct (being a noun), it would be much more effective worded differently. Maybe it's that you didn't pluralize another conjunction and just opted for a noun instead, but it just bugs me a lot.

I'm not going to continue picking your writing apart as I don't want to frustrate any future ambitions you may or may not have. I think you have quite a bit of potential, but it just takes time and practice. Trial and error if you will. Not that I have any real place to speak as I'm far from being an expert. Anyway, keep it up and work on some of the problems I pinpointed. I hope this helped you somewhat.

I may have been a tad critical, but I'm going to leave you on a positive note:

he is but a thief of celestial spies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife divine

These were hands down my favorite lines and probably the strongest of your stanza. Celestial spies is good combination of adjective and noun.

[r1mbaud]

thank you very much I will revise accordingly and crits your piece after school Im on my phone atm 7 hours till i get out

[r1mbaud]

not without grief for home, or wife, or child
oh! Devout thief who roams the wild
defiled by the smiles of an innocent child
with a briefcase full of scholarly files
he walked and walked another mile
another mile for he doth seem so vile
but press on shall he,
for motion is a must.
He feels the torment
but do not all lust?
He addresses the foul while his legs begin to rust
he states that he loathed this fate
he longs for the faces of these distant places
he juxtaposed his thoughts to plot a case
which even a deity could not deny
though as you know he's full of lies, and whys,
and weary sighs. He is but a thief of celestial spies
but in his eyes vapors rise over nostalgic thoughts
of his wife divine


Distant because he’s been walking quite a while at that point, juxtaposed was the word I was thinking of I always get those confused. Bu t don’t worry pick away, you could never destroy any ambitions I have.



off to find one of your pieces.

[7SOR]

c4c I'll accept any crits at all

ehhhemm

[Kage]

I like it a lot.

[r1mbaud]

ehhhemmi know i know im so sorry ill get to it asap my good friends funeral and visitation hhas consumed my time

[7SOR]

No problem, just making sure you didn't forget.

The revised work looks much better by the way.