People Exist

[Violent_Bill]

Crit for crit.

I’m back to my old dreams
But with casual dress
I wrote this mantra
I will never forget

It goes: “Hey man, switch off your mind
And let your senses be
The science of your body’s plight
Can not fulfill your needs”

Words to live by? Well, maybe not
But they’ve got a pleasant ring
So close your eyes, recite via drone
Exist and then repeat

Perhaps it’s exciting
I really can’t say
It’s only a feeling
With a different name

Might call it love, might call it peace
But it’s all the same to me
It’s a kind of tingle in your bones
You might dig it, if that's your thing

[Surtr]

It's decent. I don't like the way it ends though. It feels as if the wrong word is being used to end there. It just doesn't seem to flow shut, it just feels as if it's ended rather abrupt and like something more is missing.

Really though, it's not bad, I'd just try to adjust the ending to find a better word to end on.

[Violent_Bill]

You're probably right, it doesn't feel quite proper to end there does it? Do you think that rhyme would still work if I added to the piece a bit more or should I just change the line completely? I'm torn.

[Reigns]

I agree about the ending, but as for the rest...well let's just say i don't expect to see talent like this on some forum. Looks like it took you a while, it really is very good..

Don't get me wrong, the last stanza is great - id keep it in. Just doesn't seem like a fitting end. It does seem like something that LEADS to the end of the song, though.

[Surtr]

Yeah, I'm thinking perhaps another ending phrase, or perhaps an entire last Stanza.

And tbh Reigns there's much better on these Forums than this, though it's a solid piece for what it is.

[Reigns]

And tbh Reigns there's much better on these Forums than this, though it's a solid piece for what it is.

orly? guess i've stumbled among a forum that actually takes songwriting seriously. Songwriting is like...everything to me. I only started singing because my ego is too big to let other people sing my songs. they never do it right. only i do. (see what i mean? :thumb: )

But yah, guess i'll look around. I saw some that weren't particularly pleasing so this was a relief.

Also, a last stanza would be perfect. Adding an ending phrase would throw things off a bit. Just maybe a two line stanza beginning with some sort of conjunctive adverb. (but, though, although) My advice is to write the rest of the line first, then pick the words that don't mean anything last, just for the fitting syllabble count (since there are so many..conjunctive adverbs, for example). That's what i do.