bye my love

[(*The Noonward Race*)]

and its set strangely sublime.
hapless oh oft dark red horizon,
and but why, why doth but this.

and its set forth towards but this
timeless, timeless gaze, everything
wilting all not for naught.

me, this, you, wherefrom whence can
we, this liquefied savagery flow
a summerset eve challenging.

piles and piles of snow leaveless trees stretched thin
memories, torrid reminder of inner dualities
dichotomy of nothing I don't, we don't know
after the silence, forthright stare
implacable humor irreverent spite
con-fusion of two people
over,
bye

[The Noonward Race]

I'm still here, if you'd like to comment, I'm on this account, thanks at least for reading it.

[TojesDolan]

As usual, there's unusual imagery to make this provoking. A nice use of echolalic **** although i don't dig it personally

it can be exhausting for the reader

I'll revise later.

[The Noonward Race]

It is exhausting I agree, but I can't be arsed to pander what I think other people want, although I do plan on writing more accessible things, and not what does dwell deep in my mind. Thanks for replying Tojes!

[The Noonward Race]

KRRRAACckkkk, like a kraken tentacle smashing a boulder
shards convalescing in a chrysanthemum scatter-wide
broke, the brakes were, bringing this twisted steel hulking
burning charred smoldering but whining loud smashing windows
titter tattering rain of glass fragments each a microcosm
of an impossibly fleshy giant squid-ly tentacle writhing in and through a boulder
revolution, revolution, a rotating spacestation mutely abhors its flying state
snaps, gives up, comes burning dead, red, melting, liquefying sloppily
into the grand canyon

[TojesDolan]

It is exhausting I agree, but I can't be arsed to pander what I think other people want, although I do plan on writing more accessible things, and not what does dwell deep in my mind. Thanks for replying Tojes!
No, that's my point. If you don't want to be accesible don't.

It's part of the charm of your pieces, so if lost, they will be understandable, alas you'll lose identity.

[Surf]

I agree, you pander too much and it'll lose its edge. But a couple of things either stuck out or I need an explanation for because they went over my head

and but why, why doth but this.

Just didn't seem to make sense to me, maybe an explanation? 'Doth' seems to make the sentence not work.

Its good, in a modernist stream of conciousness thoughts on the page style.

dark red horizon

I think you could do more with this description. It sticks out as a bit weaker than the others, the more conventional sore thumb so to speak.

And 'leaveless' perhaps should be 'leafless'? unless you're going for a joycean style pun.

con-fusion

I'm not sure why the hyphen is there, I can't really see what it does? :(

Its complex, but the idea flows from beginning to end and it does make sense (I think). Well done, there's not much I would change and its nice to see something a bit different and original on the forums.

p.s.
Have you read Finnegan's Wake or Burroughs, or to a lesser extent, any Salman Rushdie? They have similar styles to this.

[IPWN3DURMOM]

and its set strangely sublime.
hapless oh oft dark red horizon,
and but why, why doth but this.

and its set forth towards but this
timeless, timeless gaze, everything
wilting all not for naught.

me, this, you, wherefrom whence can
we, this liquefied savagery flow
a summerset eve challenging.

piles and piles of snow leaveless trees stretched thin
memories, torrid reminder of inner dualities
dichotomy of nothing I don't, we don't know
after the silence, forthright stare
implacable humor irreverent spite
con-fusion of two people
over,
bye

yo dawg whats with all this talking like we're in bible days. My suggestions would be to throw sum slang in there like what the kids say now a days, for example throw some izzle in there taht should help :thumb:

[Surf]

I also agree wholeheartedly with the above post.

needs more izzle

[The Noonward Race]

I agree, you pander too much and it'll lose its edge. But a couple of things either stuck out or I need an explanation for because they went over my headk no problem cool

and but why, why doth but this.

Just didn't seem to make sense to me, maybe an explanation? 'Doth' seems to make the sentence not work. but why, doeth, (but) this

its kind of concentrated and overlaps a bit structurally but the main point of that line was the rhythm i think

Its good, in a modernist stream of conciousness thoughts on the page style.

dark red horizon

I think you could do more with this description. It sticks out as a bit weaker than the others, the more conventional sore thumb so to speak.
true i understand good i was moving too fast i think at that point to do anything.
And 'leaveless' perhaps should be 'leafless'? unless you're going for a joycean style pun.
not in this instance, but i think ill sacrifice correctness for the sound of the v
con-fusion

I'm not sure why the hyphen is there, I can't really see what it does? :(oh, kind of a play on
confusion of two people
and at the same time
fusion of two people

Its complex, but the idea flows from beginning to end and it does make sense (I think). Well done, there's not much I would change and its nice to see something a bit different and original on the forums.
thanks and thanks. it does make sense, i know i can seem like random wanking to people but its enough for me to know there is a definite source and desired overall form thats very clear and inspired to me.
p.s.
Have you read Finnegan's Wake or Burroughs, or to a lesser extent, any Salman Rushdie? They have similar styles to this.
ive read a bit of finnegans wake (im sure thats as much as anyone :p)

not burroughs, i think i should look into that

salmon rushdie, the man.
i just starting reading the satanic verses a few days ago my frist by him
i am completely immersed in this writing style and story, something i have been looking for for a long while.
an interesting point though is
i wrote this with his book next to me unopened from the store, which illustrates how much i was surprised and taken aback by his beautiful style.

thx surf yousa bro

[The Noonward Race]

yo dawg whats with all this talking like we're in bible days. My suggestions would be to throw sum slang in there like what the kids say now a days, for example throw some izzle in there taht should help :thumb:cmon g this shi is whack
get yo hed outta yo azz and suck my cocksickle
i otta sho yo wuts wut bitches be gettin uppity
thats not me man thats not me