Turns to grey

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

Hey guys. this is a song our singer wrote. It's gonna be our first song, and It's aleady kinda done, just thought what you guys would think about this.. please crit! it's about this guy's world, in which everythign is grey, but this one little colourspot in his life, is this girl.. which he eventually loses.. crit!

Turns to grey

[Verse 1]

Astray, in a revolving world
The complete emptiness, no walls, no windows
try to chase it, in vain

[breakdown]

[Chorus:]

Lost in the black and white images, places, people
you just want to forget
I can’t forget
I won’t forget!

Colour sparks in the cold surrounding
Oblivious to my suffering, looking at me, screaming at me
In my head, get out of my head
Get out of my head!

[Verse 2]

You were there, burned into my ****ing mind
Now I can’t release you once more
It's the same ****, over and over, whatever you do.. it's the **** that makes me 7 days craving, only for you..

[breakdown]

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]

Letting you go, finding a peace of heart
Leaving all the love, memories
And lies, behind..
It’s going numb, turning grey in my mind..
[BG grunt: I won’t forget, won’t forget… I won’t forgeeeeet!]

[Chorus (x2?)]

Won’t forget…
Out of my head…

[Rum Monkey]

EMOOOOOOOOOO!

haha, nah its good. You got any recordings of it?

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

EMOOOOOOOOOO!

haha, nah its good. You got any recordings of it?

yeah, of teh instruments.. not with the vocals yet.. and why is it emo? just because It's about love??..

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

bump... i guess?

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

lol.. 153 views and no (good) replies or crits??. that'S weak..

[this is my backup account]

Could use more brain-related subject matter.

[Gavin88]

Nice work i really like this its definatly "not" emo

keep it up :thumb:

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

Could use more brain-related subject matter.

hmm i believe i don't get you..

[SixStringKing]

It's pretty weak in the sense he's attempting to be poetic by not directly mentioning that its this girl hes in love with, but it is so blatant and obvious there is no symbolism, or worth while metaphors. Comparisons, allusions, similes, metaphors, and all other literary elements of poetry are nice to utilize somewhere in the piece. Which this piece either does not, or does a very poor job of doing so.

Now that i have critted this as a piece of literature, I must say that it would make for a catchy metal song, as the flow and tone are set well through the piece. Im sure with music noone would notice the lack of element.

I also believe that by brain related subject matter (ironically hes a dumba$$) he means more depth to make one think about what your writing.. I dont believe he actually meant writing about the brain... which in what he said he is asking you to write about.
Just more thought provoking lyrics would be nice.

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

It's pretty weak in the sense he's attempting to be poetic by not directly mentioning that its this girl hes in love with, but it is so blatant and obvious there is no symbolism, or worth while metaphors. Comparisons, allusions, similes, metaphors, and all other literary elements of poetry are nice to utilize somewhere in the piece. Which this piece either does not, or does a very poor job of doing so.

Now that i have critted this as a piece of literature, I must say that it would make for a catchy metal song, as the flow and tone are set well through the piece. Im sure with music noone would notice the lack of element.

I also believe that by brain related subject matter (ironically hes a dumba$$) he means more depth to make one think about what your writing.. I dont believe he actually meant writing about the brain... which in what he said he is asking you to write about.
Just more thought provoking lyrics would be nice.

ok thanks! I0ll pass it through ^^.. I posted it because i actually kinda liked the subject of the song, and the way it was put, not looking at metaphors etc. anyway, thanks again for the crit!

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

bump