fields of battle

[mullets suk]

ive written song lyrics, and none of them were any good. this is my first shot at a poem.

Let the hollow fields grow cold
And mist rise up
The earthly warmth give the dead hope
Raise their hands through the crust
Mass graves open up
Great cavities in the earth

Dug so long ago
Bodies were chewed
Lead gave room for smoke to roll though
cries of men, no, mere boys, sonding like broken bugles, a soldiers toys.

Now victor had the dirty job of rolling boys now dead in pits ten wide
The stench of death whiten his face
Glazed eyes penetrate his soul
Made him just as cold

Now that was long ago
victors dead entombed in a grave of his own.
And on this hazy morn
Graves open up
Bodies of dead now roam
Continue to fight
A battle as dead as they
Continue to fight a war
That was fruitless in gains

Now something stirs
The sun rises out from a premature death
Shadows run off, scared afraid
The living come out eyes wide
They speak soft so not to disturb
“what a battle it must have been”

[mutt]

AWESOME ZOMBIES KICK *** MATE!

some of the lines don't flow. well or could be improved on...these are just my opinions.

cries of men, no, mere boys, sonding like broken bugles, a soldiers toys.

victors dead entombed in a grave of his own.


Take it or leave it!

[mullets suk]

thanks mutt. anyone else?

[mullets suk]

bump...anyone?

[cometuesday]

There's a few parts of this that really establish a sort of rhythm, most notably (to me anyway) the first line of the third stanza and a few in the fourth. It does seem kind of jagged at times though, like just as it starts to feel like it starts to smooth out it'll veer. I also don't get a great deal of imagery, to be honest, other than the visage of the restless dead. It doesn't seem to set the scene for anything specifically captivating, but rather the idea of what could be potentially envisioned in your words.

I don't know, maybe that doesn't make sense, and I don't think it's bad by any means, but I think if you put a little more stress on conveying a descriptive relation or metaphor it might bring it to life a bit more. The cries of men... line, for example, sort of leans in that direction well.