a little less you

[Chrisman69]

...

[mutt]

It's okay, a little wordy in the verses for my liking. There seem to be too many syllables which results in a choppy flow...Linkin Park style.

The second verse is much more solid than the first, but going back to the too many syllables thing I think it would be better with out the 'after this song is done.

and i won't ever worry about dreams
to avoid a false sense of reality, no sleep for weeks
a lovely life turned stale for none to miss
a lovely word <insert the lovely word here>, ill never use again

Thats imo improved.

[Chrisman69]

thanks much for the advice man, lack of replies was starting to get to me

i probobly will end up rewriting most of it, the verses are a little scatterbrained and hard to understand i suppose.

as far as the syllable problem goes, i know it looks like it doesnt flow at all, but i actually wrote the melody of the song first and wrote the words around that melody, so it really cant be changed without me rewriting the song as a whole. but i appreciate the tips regardless.