memorandum

[UNOMAS]

...



Nascentes morimur
Gazing into the cavernous mouth of the whale,
that back alley where men's lives flash and pass,
you turn left and are drawn into the black hole.
On the right is a dumpster full of dead GI Joes
and broken action figures, as dusty and abandoned
as all those fire-fighting, siren filled dreams.
Baseball cards of some druggie you wanted to be like
Snow down from up high as the grey floor fades to black.
Work attire and dress shoes fade like dusk
into Chuck Taylors and those ripped jeans
as a no-seat bike flies by, wheels on the wind.
Then the black becomes thick, veiled.
The shadows of the young and restless:
An hourglass with porcelain skin,
reflects the red light of that Friday night.
Pills, hash, needles; you name it you tried it,
and now they're nearly drowning you,
up to your waste, up to your neck...
ONE LAST BREATH.
Well you achieved one of your ambitions.
I'm sure they'll stamp your face
on some baseball card for the kids.
Dead at age nineteen in some back alley,
A revolution of the soul and a brain full of ammunition.
Memento mori

[Surf]

Nice, and good to see you around again man.

If I'm reading this right, its someone's life flashing before their eyes, just before they die (from something drug related).

If I've got this right, then my first suggestion would be to slim it down a little. Keep all the images, but lose a few of the connectives: have it like a series of flashing images; if you were dying would you focus on the 'and' etc or just the images themselves.

and broken action figures, as dusty and abandoned
as all those fire-fighting, siren filled dreams

could become

broken action figures
dusty, abandoned
those fire-fighting
siren filled dreams

For me, this seems to flow a little better and seems more like the last pieces of memory than something a bit more prosey.

That's not to say it should happen all over. In fact, if you started off as it is, then gradually got more jumpy towards the end... just a thought.

Aside from that, I'd break the latin quotes away from the main bulk of the piece. Have them as more apparent bookends. Otherwise it seems to be part of the memories rather than a chorus type idea.

Aside from that, good job, I enjoyed reading it.