An Autumn Sonnet

[Aklerc]

So this is my first time at writing a sonnet. Keeping to tradition it's a little love poem so I will be prepared for the "cliché" comments that will inevitably follow. Crit away!


Sigh, young evening, sigh from above,
Prepare the clouds to blossom in your adoring eye.
Sweet is the taste of an Autumn love,
And sweet is the rain of which you cry.
With breathless tragic love we sit, silent.
We know the words that don’t need to be spoken.
Like birds, we watch the sky turn violet,
Sigh young evening and feel this silence broken.
Lay down your arms and I’ll lay down mine,
Perhaps we’ll talk like time never passed.
With moonlight my only embrace this night,
I cling to memories I hope, childishly, will last.
And I lie only in bliss of adolescent dreaming,
But live in solitude in the momentary waking.

NEW STRUCTURE

Arise, young evening, sigh from far above,
Prepare the clouds to blossom in your eye.
Sweet is the taste of this, an Autumn love,
While tears melt landscapes from the raining sky.
With breathless, tragic love with sit, silent
And muted words fill vacant gaps unspoken.
Like birds, we sit and watch the sky turn violet,
Now sigh, young evening, feel our silence broken.
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine,
Perhaps we'll talk like time had never passed.
Just moonlight as my sole embrace tonight,
I cling to memories I hope will last.
And I live in bliss of adolescent dreaming, to
Just lie alone in momentary waking.

[mutt]

I am confused, why were you two love birds pointing guns at each other...lovers quarrel?

Really though, it's good, I mean I'm not much on traditional poetry as I prefer something a little more free formed, but the sonnet is one of those corner stones in lyric and poetic writings.

It seems after the two of you disarmed you fell apart, very interesting. I like this piece. 8/10

[Aklerc]

Guns being a metaphor for like a guard. For the two to let the guards down to finally open up truthfully :)

Thank you for the crit. I just had a scan through yours and I liked it, I'll go crit it in a bit.

[TojesDolan]

Since you already know about the cliché, I'll point out your incessant need to use commas. Don't abuse the commas.

Abuse of these nice little elements is just as bad as not using them.

[Aklerc]

Yeah I thought I may have used them too much. I didn't really know how else to break up the pauses and shizzle though amongst the lines.

EDIT: Had another look, any better?

[TojesDolan]

I had a two hour lecture on commas, so I think I can help a bit. :(

Sigh young evening, sigh from above,
Prepare the clouds to blossom in your adoring eye.
Sweet is the taste of an Autumn love,
And sweet is the rain of which you cry.

leave first line as it was. The rest reads softly. I think... it had no change idk. :o

The rhyme is cheap but effective.

Content is alright.

With breathless tragic love we sit- silent.
We know the words that don’t need to be spoken.
We watch like birds the sky turn violet,
Sigh young evening and feel this silence broken.

Comma instead of hyphen, last line needs the comma. Don't martyrize yourself with erasing EVERY SINGLE COMMA OUT OF YOUR PIECES, use it in a more... economic, powerful way.

Lay down your guns and I’ll lay down mine,
Perhaps we’ll talk like time never passed.
And with moonlight my only embrace this night,

Nicer rhyme here.

Remove the and from the beginning, I think. It wouldn't cripple the line but it'd aid in flow and aesthetic.

I cling to memories I hope, childishly, will last.
And I live only in bliss of adolescent dreaming
But lie in solitude in the momentary waking.

weird but cool last couplet. second line needs a comma in the last word to the next line/word, again mere aesthetic and to make everything be less casual idk.

[Aklerc]

Okaaay that was helpful thanks. There's still a couple of lines I want to change that make-a-me cringeyish:

1. And sweet is the rain of which you cry.

2. We know the words that don’t need to be spoken.

3. With moonlight my only embrace this night,

They are a bit too... bleurgh for me. I just wanted a general opinion on the piece. I'm not normally one for love poems or more structure poems so it's all new territory. But yeah thanks again for the grammar advice :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

Search similes that connect to your piece.

For 1: chocolate, sugar...

sugar pours... and something about eyes, I don't know. Windows, sapphires, other random precious stones. Or any kind of stone. :I

For 2: Something about mute, silence, forests, falling trees in nothingness, desert...

For 3: That's very :') to be quite honest

[Aklerc]

Ah yes yes good plan. You like the third one? I wasn't sure if it was too self-obsessed-feel-sorry-for-me or not.

[TojesDolan]

Slightly self absorbed but it's too awww to hate.

[Eliminator]

this is so beautiful i love it

[Surf]

I used to write sonnets; its pretty hard. You've done a pretty good job, it progresses like a sonnet should and it reads quite nicely. But rather than talk about all the nice things I'm an arse so I'll focus on the negative bits.

From a purely technical standpoint, its lacking some of the key sonnet features - the syllable count is off in places and its not iambic - but that's not really vital.

However, you mentioned not knowing how to deal with the pauses/commas situation. Well, if you focus more on the meter, you can create more natural caesuras which will help it flow more like a sonnet.

Other little things:

I don't think the repetition of 'sigh' in the first line works too well. Try replacing the first one because the second is a nice description. You could use an apostrophe to address the audience (Think Keats' bright Star), but that might seem a tad contrived.

Instead of 'guns', try arms. It seems to fit a bit more in the tone and idea of the sonnet, a more natural feeling to the word.

This line is one of my favourites 'We watch like birds the sky turn violet', but try putting the 'like birds' at the start, just messing a bit with the syntax and it seemed to read a little better to me.
'Like birds, we watch the sky turn violet'?

Overall its quite good. It works like a sonnet should, even if the meter isn't technically correct (but who cares?). So good work, but maybe needs a few changes here and there.

[Aklerc]

I used to write sonnets; its pretty hard. You've done a pretty good job, it progresses like a sonnet should and it reads quite nicely. But rather than talk about all the nice things I'm an arse so I'll focus on the negative bits.

From a purely technical standpoint, its lacking some of the key sonnet features - the syllable count is off in places and its not iambic - but that's not really vital.
Aha yeah I wasn't sure if there was a specific meter or not for sonnets, hence there not being one :p

However, you mentioned not knowing how to deal with the pauses/commas situation. Well, if you focus more on the meter, you can create more natural caesuras which will help it flow more like a sonnet.
Hm yes I may try and structure it more technically to see if it helps, which it no doubt will.

I don't think the repetition of 'sigh' in the first line works too well. Try replacing the first one because the second is a nice description. You could use an apostrophe to address the audience (Think Keats' bright Star), but that might seem a tad contrived.

Instead of 'guns', try arms. It seems to fit a bit more in the tone and idea of the sonnet, a more natural feeling to the word.
I'm not sure about the word arms... it could easily be mistaken for arms in the biological sense :p but yes I do see what you mean I wasn't sure of it in the first place.

This line is one of my favourites 'We watch like birds the sky turn violet', but try putting the 'like birds' at the start, just messing a bit with the syntax and it seemed to read a little better to me.
'Like birds, we watch the sky turn violet'?
Yes I like that it sounds much nicer.

Overall its quite good. It works like a sonnet should, even if the meter isn't technically correct (but who cares?). So good work, but maybe needs a few changes here and there.
Thank you! That's really helpful and I shall have a look to see what changes I can make :)

[mullets suk]

don't usually post here, unless i really like something, this i did. except for the mentioning of guns. that really messed me up when i was reading. because of "Lay down your guns" the word "arms" would fit in well with out being confusing.

[class]

da fish...are you the one that has a song like mockingbird or something? It's girl vocals with a kind of folkish feel...anyway if that's you, I thought the song was great.

[Aklerc]

Yeah yeah that was me :) glad you liked it! And mullet suk- since you're the second person to say that it sounds like a good idea.

[Aklerc]

Bumped for teh edit, please :)

[Silverhammer]

this is nice, and i'm impressed at how you changed the piece. the last two lines i'm having he most trouble with. to me it seems you don't need "to just" and "adolescent" in my eyes could be replace with childish.


With breathless, tragic love with sit, silent
And muted words fill vacant gaps unspoken.

this is confusing me. what exactly does this mean?

[Aklerc]

this is nice, and i'm impressed at how you changed the piece. the last two lines i'm having he most trouble with. to me it seems you don't need "to just" and "adolescent" in my eyes could be replace with childish.



this is confusing me. what exactly does this mean?
Yeah I have been thinking those last two lines are a little clumsy.

Basically it's two people. One is in love with the other and the words that they would have said are left unspoken. The silence is filling the gaps. It's like saying the silence fills silence... but it's weighted with what they would have said. Kind of contradicts itself.

[ThoughtlessThoughts]

It's pretty.

The original structure was extremely hard to follow for some reason, but im sick today. I really liked the revised version.


I cling to memories I hope will last.
And I live in bliss of adolescent dreaming, to


I think thats the weakest point right there. adolescent dreaming could be replaced with something more fitting. Even, "adolescent dream" might fit better, if read outloud it would be ideal.

[class]

I just thought I'd say..."arise" seems silly to me :p

[Aklerc]

Lol :p I dunno I like it. And the sigh, young evening sigh was too.... meh. Suggest a different word perhaps?


I think thats the weakest point right there. adolescent dreaming could be replaced with something more fitting. Even, "adolescent dream" might fit better, if read outloud it would be ideal.
Why so? The syllable count? I need the "ing" to rhyme with the last line so I'd rather not change that.

[class]

I like "Stir" but that's just off the top of my head..stick with what you have I guess.