First song posted here \o/

[Giga]

With sacrifice comes solitude
A somber reminder of guilt left unchecked
I can't seem to remember
How I came to be condemned so
I can't see past the bleak
Tranquility of my own entrapment
All that remains is colorless soil
And grainy landscapes
Cursed by the epoch
Of self anointed fate
This blackened soul
Left to wither like
A frozen rose


Be brutal as hell

[CofDdrums12]

Why do more and more people keep posting one long blurb?
Am I listening to the wrong music? Because I don't very often see this in songs...

Anyway, :P



It's got some nice descriptions, so it's...poetically-sound, I suppose...but the topic itself is a dismal one and since there's no gleaming light of hope at the end, I don't much care for it, as it remains negative throughout.

Also, I wish people wouldn't say it's the first song, whether here or not. It makes me feel inclined to judge it as their first piece and not...just a piece. You know? Gives me this weird bias towards it.

[Tripp_chaos]

I totally agree with CofDdrums12 it seems more of a poetic run on sentence if anything. Negative or not it seems your trying to force this feeling upon the readers, now taking the bias out about this being your first piece you do use some sort of an odd rhythmic pattern that I guess would make better sense with the music so I'd say 4/10 with room to improve...

[Violent_Bill]

Why do more and more people keep posting one long blurb?
Am I listening to the wrong music? Because I don't very often see this in songs...

Anyway, :P



It's got some nice descriptions, so it's...poetically-sound, I suppose...but the topic itself is a dismal one and since there's no gleaming light of hope at the end, I don't much care for it, as it remains negative throughout.

Also, I wish people wouldn't say it's the first song, whether here or not. It makes me feel inclined to judge it as their first piece and not...just a piece. You know? Gives me this weird bias towards it.

Sorry, not to dismiss the rest of your critique, but I think it's ridiculous to say that because something is negative it is bad - as if no decent poetry has ever been written which is filled with despair. I'm not arguing that this piece is amazing but I think that that is a silly point to bring up.

[SuperID]

My tortured soul wretchedly spews that which possessed me
Flesh stripped from bone, that which encased me is rotten
Grey in my eyes, dying in mind. The insurmountable pressure caves in my bowels. Overlord please take my SOUL!!!!!!!!!
Icy demons flow through my veins RoooaaaaRRRGGH!!!

[Violent_Bill]

The white fluffy kitten brushed my leg
Oh what a wonderful thing, it is!
I bought him a new bowl and he drank from it
Like sunshine and like the rainbow after rain
I love my kitten!

[Mikedrummer]

8/10 for a first song
6.5/10 overall

nicely done, again there's only one emotion conveyed but i still enjoyed it. good work.

[CofDdrums12]

I don't know if this is even her first piece... I believe it's just her first piece here. But I don't know.
I was simply saying it blurs my vision when people say it.

Well, a 100% negative song, doesn't really have a point in my opinion. If there's hope at the end, or if it's even negative with a purpose, then I can totally understand that.

But negative for the sake of negative...
Just isn't my cup of tea, is all.

[i am the robots]

6/10

it's decent, maybe veer away from such cliche ideas though

[TojesDolan]

The white fluffy kitten brushed my leg
Oh what a wonderful thing, it is!
I bought him a new bowl and he drank from it
Like sunshine and like the rainbow after rain
I love my kitten!
stop spamming, please. :)

About the piece itself, I think it's trying to hard to be obscure, or generally tries to make up for not much content with rather big words. Interesting images, but it really needs some work with content. It lacks any of it-

[AlmightyHustle]

It's alright. I have to agree with CofDdrums. It's poetically sound, but I couldn't relate to it at all.