Oliver Twist

[Surtr]

There's a piece of paper on the windowsill, where I used to keep my dreams until...
Now what I’ve got, I'll loose the power to see, since the days we live aren't free.
The modern machine, has bred the gears of war, in the far of places we see no more,
And its one more moment bent to kneel, that I've got to live and kill.

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it means to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be.

When nigh time came, I drew a breath so deep, thankful that my day can't keep,
My memories for the future beyond, what I'd love and what I've ever longed.
Sun rose, and then the sun set, tomorrow, she came, and she was well met.
A girl I’ve imagined alone in my head, dreams of peace, and buries the dead.

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it mean to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.

She walked through the door and onto my bed, she took my hand, and she kissed my forehead, singing: “You shouldn’t cry over what you can’t fix, it’s not your fault corporations are pricks, If you’ve learned well enough by the time it’s a choice, you’ve got make them hear your voice, Free your people, by playing this song, and someday maybe they’ll sing along?

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it mean to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.

Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.

[Surtr]

Yo', uh, bump?

41 views and not a single comment or review? :lol:

[Seafroggys]

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill that has lied,
On honesty, and what it means to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be.

When nigh time came, I drew a breath so deep, thankful that my day cannot keep,
My memories for the future beyond, what I'd love and what I've ever longed.
The Sun rose, and then the sun set, tomorrow, she came, and she was well met.
A girl I’ve imagined alone in my head, dreams of peace, and buries the dead.

...

She walked through the door and onto my bed, she took my hand, and she kissed my forehead,
She sang: “You shouldn’t cry over what you can’t fix, it’s not your fault corporations are pricks,


Couple of little changes I made to make it flow better and to make some less awkward phrases.

[Aklerc]

There's a piece of paper on the windowsill, where I used to keep my dreams until...
Now what I’ve got, I'll loose the power to see, since the days we live aren't free.
The modern machine, has bred the gears of war, in the far of places we see no more,
And its one more moment bent to kneel, that I've got to live and kill.
I like the rhythm, it's a good pace and it's strong enough to keep me reading through it. I like this intro, rhyming doesn't sound forced and I particularly like the first line. It's quite cute but not the point of being clicheyish.

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it means to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be.
The third line sounds off... I like it but it's almost like mockery has too many syllables or something. To keep to the rhythm each syllable kind of fits the beat, which phonetically speaking sounds kind of dull. I don't know how to suggest something different because I would like the line if it had better rhythm to it.

When night time came, I drew a breath so deep, thankful that my day can't keep,
My memories for the future beyond, what I'd love and what I've ever longed.
Sun rose, and then the sun set, tomorrow, she came, and she was well met.
A girl I’ve imagined alone in my head, dreams of peace, and buries the dead.
Yes this is nice. Pretty simple, it could perhaps be something to work on to make it more interesting. There's not much happening in this stanza that moves the piece on, seems like it's kind of filling a gap. It's alright though.

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it mean to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.
Hm again with these last few lines, the rhythm and flow seems clumsy. I like the continuous rhyme and the repetition, it really builds it up. But yeah it's the word innocence, it's just a very busy line.

She walked through the door and onto my bed, she took my hand, and she kissed my forehead, singing: “You shouldn’t cry over what you can’t fix, it’s not your fault corporations are pricks, If you’ve learned well enough by the time it’s a choice, you’ve got make them hear your voice, Free your people, by playing this song, and someday maybe they’ll sing along?
The word forehead is problematic (to me) because the stress naturally will fall on the "fore" whereas here you're trying to force it onto the "head" which when speaking or singing will sound of and it just makes it seem like the rhyming was clumsy. Simply, I would change the word to head. Ha I like the rest, it sounds almost panto-ish. Don't get me wrong though, I do like it :)

For by the time I raise my head to sigh, they've passed another bill I've lied,
On honesty, and what it mean to me, one piece of the conscious majority.
Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.

Today was just a mockery of what I want to be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, to set him free,
Today is just a mockery of what this world should be,
Blood is spilt on the innocence of a child, you cannot see.
Same goes with this as before.


Umm as far as an out of ten goes I'd give it a 7 I think. I really like it, it's much more structured than lot's of pieces, which does make it nicer to read and to listen to because it has that strong rhythm behind it. However, I think some bits can be improved, sometimes it can sound like you're just making up verses for the sake of length whereas maybe you could expand on ideas in previous verses to make it more interesting. Could whack some figurative language in there or something.

Anyhoo, hope I helped :p I think the reason also why you haven't got many crits is probably the length. People are lazy.

[Surtr]

Hey thanks a ton, the real issues you pointed out, such as timing and seemingly random words "Forehead" and also the "Today is just a mockery" parts are time changes in the music, so I agree, when you read it as it is here, it's very awkward at some parts, with the music it follows along on the changes.

As for the making up verses part it sorta' follows this time-line of an event, so even phrases where nothing happens, sorta' goes with the timeline. Example...

When night time came, I drew a breath so deep, thankful that my day can't keep,
My memories for the future beyond, what I'd love and what I've ever longed.
Sun rose, and then the sun set, tomorrow, she came, and she was well met.
A girl I’ve imagined alone in my head, dreams of peace, and buries the dead.

This part is a sorta' like a few days that pass, and the idea is that though this is a huge part of the song, as it's really what the song is based on, it's not meant to be the emphasis of it, so it's sorta' brushed over quickly, to show a passing of time and that this part indeed did happen, but it's not so important of how whatever happened, as the result of whatever happening caused.