Welcome to Rapture

[AlmightyHustle]

Welcome to Rapture

Diving deeper
We find something truly beautiful.
We find ourselves, buried
Deep beneath a layer of sand and crashing waves.

Never satisfied with where we are;
We reach out
To grasp the immortal hand of God,
To learn more.
When all we have to do,
Is dive below the surface.

Still we find,
A way to hide ourselves
From who we are.
We dive deeper down.

Standing at the surface,
We stare below
To see ourselves staring back
From so deep down.
And we wonder how
We ever dove so deep.

Still we find,
A way to hide ourselves
From who we are.
We dive deeper down.

Welcome to rapture.
Where freedom lies,
Where beauty lives.
Welcome to rapture.

Mystery shrouded by a veil of water.
Every image distorted, warped.
And I wonder, just who am I?
Who can I be, under the water?

Still we find,
A way to hide ourselves
From who we are.
We dive deeper down.
Still we find, (Dive, Dive, Deeper)
A way to hid ourselves (Dive, Dive, Deeper)
From who we are. (Dive, Dive, Deeper)
We dive deeper down. (Dive, Dive, Deeper)

Into the deep, black sea.

My first piece submitted. Of course it's not perfect and needs some work, that's why I'm hoping for some good crits. While I can't garuntee I can crit for crit everyone, I can try my best.

[Short Leash]

Have you been playing BioShock?!?

[mutt]

Interesting piece. I'd really like to hear how you set it to music (melody/metre).

[DeadReligion]

Making a poem or song about a video game is a bad idea.

[AlmightyHustle]

Good, because it's not about the video game. I had almost the entire piece written out before I myself made the connection. There is some reference to it, but the last time I checked, reference =/= the entire point of the song.

Mutt: When my band writes music to go along with this, I can get a rough recording up, but who knows how long that will take. But I write the lyrics first, with just a general idea of how the music will flow and sound.

Also, can anyone help me make some improvements?

[TojesDolan]

Sure.

We find ourselves, buried
Deep beneath a layer of sand and crashing waves.

Somewhat interesting imagery, but the overall concept is trite. A lot of word repetition. Try to keep the "we" varied, or otherwise don't use it at all because it can be boring (for those who care anyway :I)


Welcome to rapture.
Where freedom lies,
Where beauty lives.
Welcome to rapture.

the structure is pretty much meh, but you could make this an 8-liner and you won't affect the metric of the overall piece, but making this section a lot more complete, if you know what I mean (woah rhyme i must be a poet lol).

Repetitive, for the most part. Very common place, heavily repeated images and words.

But it has some nice moments.

like

Mystery shrouded by a veil of water.
Every image distorted, warped.

Except it needs works around the edges for a truly nice effect.

[AlmightyHustle]

Alright, thanks a lot Tojes. Looking at it now, I see what you meant by all that repetition. I'll make sure to change that in the next draft. I'll expand on the interlude as well. Thanks for the crit.