I made a song and I need comments.

[saiyoucho]

Hey guys. I recently made a song in Fruity Loops.
I need some constructive critique on this song.

I want to know what I can improve and what you like about it.

I made everything in this song myself except the translation of the lyrics which was done by Aki Ikeda.

You can listen to my song at the link below.
http://www.tunesquare.com/default.asp?pg=play&s=239
If the above link doesn't work try this:
http://www.tunesquare.com/mp3/200708072303498759/Sai%20-%20In%20The%20Twilight.mp3


Seems like they messed something up with the linking on the site.

Some notes:
1. I know it would sound better with real instruments but I don't have any band members yet.
2. I had to keep my voice down so I wouldn't disturb my neighbors, that's why it may sound a bit wrong sometimes.
3. My recording equipment isn't really the best in any kind. =/

So, tell me what you think about the song. =P

[indietrashrock]

I'm guessing you want feedback on your voice and the composing, not the instruments eh?

yeah alright, whatever. I like it. it's a wee bit too loud though. and it lacks a decent bassline to make it flow better. the drums alone isn't enough to my taste. but the main rhythm stuff (I'm thinking of the guitars and the keys) are nothing short of f'ucking awesome. the vocals are outstanding. the fact that you were forced to keep it somewhat down gives your voice an edge and a disturbing nerve at the same time. it's really great.

so keep recording bro. I know how it is not having instruments nor proper equipment. it's a b'itch. but don't let'em bring you down, kid ;)

[saiyoucho]

Wow, thanks a lot. =D
I have to say that was actually the most constructive comment I've gotten on the song.

It helps a lot getting a comment from someone who understands the problems with not having the proper equipment. =)

[Ripping Hammer]

hey this is pretty good. i love the energy in your voice! The arrangement could you abit of work (the song lacks a certain dynamicism and all sounds abit "samey"), but your songwriting is has raw, unihibited approach that, through practice, will really blossom.

[saiyoucho]

hey this is pretty good. i love the energy in your voice! The arrangement could you abit of work (the song lacks a certain dynamicism and all sounds abit "samey"), but your songwriting is has raw, unihibited approach that, through practice, will really blossom.
Thanks. =P
Yea it got kinda repetitive after a while I guess.
I will practice so I will become better. ^^

[Lucasvar]

I really like this to be honest. Because of the restraints you described in your post, I tried to hear it as I thought you would truely want it in the best of conditions. Firstly, I listen to a lot of metal. I'm a big Maiden fan, so I love the infamous i-VI-VII chord progression, and I think this song is a pretty innovative setting for it. I can tell that you were holding back on the vocals, like you said, but you didn't fall out of tune that much. It is very hard to record vocals if there is any kind of circumstance preventing you from doing them exactly how you want them (like your neighbor situation), so any shortcomings there are quite understandable. I really liked the strings (very strong melody), and if you do put a band together for this project, I hope you are able to find a violin, because I think this song benefits a lot from it. Anyway, I don't think it's that repetitive, considering its length. One of my favorite Black Sabbath songs is Planet Caravan, which is essentially the same guitar part and bass line for 4 and a half minutes, and that song is beautiful in my opinion. Anyway, keep up the good work.

[saiyoucho]

I really like this to be honest. Because of the restraints you described in your post, I tried to hear it as I thought you would truely want it in the best of conditions.

Firstly, I listen to a lot of metal. I'm a big Maiden fan, so I love the infamous i-VI-VII chord progression, and I think this song is a pretty innovative setting for it.

I can tell that you were holding back on the vocals, like you said, but you didn't fall out of tune that much.
It is very hard to record vocals if there is any kind of circumstance preventing you from doing them exactly how you want them (like your neighbor situation), so any shortcomings there are quite understandable.

I really liked the strings (very strong melody), and if you do put a band together for this project, I hope you are able to find a violin, because I think this song benefits a lot from it. Anyway, I don't think it's that repetitive, considering its length.

One of my favorite Black Sabbath songs is Planet Caravan, which is essentially the same guitar part and bass line for 4 and a half minutes, and that song is beautiful in my opinion.

Anyway, keep up the good work.
That's some very nice comments. =) Thank you.

I'm actually thinking of buying a electric violin so I can record the violin parts myself later on. ^^

I got a tip for you too.
Try to write with more spaces when u make long posts.
It makes things much easier to read.
I edited your post in the quote to show you what I meant.
=)

Thanks again for the comments.