New Joke thread

[Light_Fantastic]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'

[Insomniac20k]

That was the lamest joke ever. Sorry Jaylink.

[Light_Fantastic]

That was the lamest joke ever. Sorry Jaylink.

Fine then! Post your Joke

[Benzum]

so it was all a dream!

[Insomniac20k]

There was this fellow who was in love with tractors. He had shelves of books on the subject as well as models and posters etc. One day, while reading the paper, he noticed that there was going to be a big agricultural fair being held on the other side of the city, and he decided to go and see some of his favourite tractors in person.

When he arrived he was pleasantly surprised to see that several manufacturers of farm equipment were selling their wares. He thought that this would be a great opportunity to finally purchase a tractor of his very own! He walked up to the first dealer who was selling a large green tractor and asked the salesman if he could sit in it. It was love at first sight!! Unfortunately, the cost of this model was far beyond what our hero could afford, so he thanked the man and carried on through the show.

It wasn't long before he came across another dealer selling blue tractors. They were a little smaller than the green ones, so he thought that he might be able to afford one of these. He spoke hopefully to the dealer only to be disappointed again at the high cost of his favourite farm machine. He accepted several brochures and, slightly more downcast than before, left the booth to tour through the rest of the exhibition.

Just as he was approaching the exit, he caught sight of a third tractor dealer. Hardly daring to get his hopes up he approached the booth where there was a small red tractor. "Surely I can afford one of these" he thought, "they are so small".

Alas, our poor friend was disappointed for a final time. In fact he was so upset that as he left the arena he threw away all the brochures and posters of tractors into the trash and stalked off into the night, a bitter man.

On his way home he passed by a bar and decided that if he couldn't have a tractor then he would drown his sorrows. He goes into the dark and very smokey bar and the barman asks "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

The man explains his love of tractors and his intense unhappiness at being unable to afford one. In fact it is at this moment that the man swears off tractors forever vowing to dispose off his collection never to look at a tractor again!! He then orders five straight whiskies. The barman, a sympathetic soul, recognizes true heartbreak when he sees it and offers the man a deal. He tells the man that if he can clear all the smoke from the bar he will let him drown his sorrows all night for free.

The man agrees and then suddenly gives a mighty inhalation and to all the patrons amazement sucks in all the smoke in the bar!!! As the bartender pours him his drinks one of the barflies at the end of the bar turns to his buddy expresses his incredulity at this feat. His buddy, unimpressed, turns to his friend and says, "So what? I overheard him say to the barman that he was an ex-tractor fan"

[Light_Fantastic]

I don't get it?

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.

When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''

[Insomniac20k]

You suck at jokes.

[Light_Fantastic]

And finally:

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

[Insomniac20k]

Seriously jaylink. You have the worst jokes ever.

This thread doesn´t deliver

[Light_Fantastic]

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother appeared to grant her three wishes.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asked.

The little old lady said, "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

"And, for your second wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

The little old lady said, "Well, like everyone else, I wish I were young and attractive."

POOF! The little old lady was now a beautiful young woman.

"And, for your third and final wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

Now the beautiful young woman was trying to come up with her last wish when Burt, her tomcat, walked across the porch in front of her.

"Oh!" she said. "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

POOF! Suddenly, before her very eyes, was the most handsome young prince she had ever seen.

He smiled at her with a manliness that made her knees weak. Her heartbeat quickened, as lust coursed through her every fiber. The handsome young prince slowly approached her and whispered softly in her ear: "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered..."

[Wish]

These jokes are pretty much atrocious.

[Light_Fantastic]

OK, this one is better. Ya know, if my jokes suck, you can all post your own!!!


One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring hard at her.

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”

She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second you have to be Catholic.”

Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alleyway over there.”

The cab driver pulled into the alleyway and the nun went to it. Soon after the nun was finished, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Jeff and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

[Insomniac20k]

Wish, or any mods.

Can we get a mercy close here?

[Pete]

I don't get it?'

Seriously, you don't get it? Extractor fan? How could you not get that?

[Light_Fantastic]

Wish, or any mods.

Can we get a mercy close here?
Chill out. Just having some fun. Your joke was just awful.

[Insomniac20k]

the point of my joke was that you invest a lot of time reading it for a grossly corny punchline. Itś more sophisticated than those immature pieces of **** you call jokes. (thatś why you don´t get it)

[Light_Fantastic]

the point of my joke was that you invest a lot of time reading it for a grossly corny punchline. Itś more sophisticated than those immature pieces of **** you call jokes. (thatś why you don´t get it)
I do get that you're a boring giant stick in the mud.
I am still waiting for posters to post better jokes.

[Pete]

jaylink, don't be a defensive cunt, you're bringing the internet down =/

[Wish]

This wasn't going to get any better. Sorry Jay :(