Smiles (Steeper Than You Thought)

[Dinosawesome]

Alrighty, this is a piece I scribbled down on Wednesday night and finished reworking yesterday afternoon. It's based on a dream that I had which had me pretty freaked out, but anyway, here it is:

Smiles (Steeper Than You Thought)
©Copyright Nathan Taylor 2007

Caught behind the drivers seat,
The brakes are locked, water seeps.
In through the open window,
The seatbelt’s jammed and I am sinking.

And while we all drown, (save your tears, wipe your eyes dry)
We smile with smiles so wide (wider than the harbour where we died)
I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anymore.
It can only be heaven where I’m headed.

Buried behind casket wood,
The lid closed tight (I wouldn’t get out if I could)
It’s a quiet funeral,
In widows black I rest beneath you.

And as I lay down, (wipe your eyes and save your tears)
I wear a smile so wide (bottled ink to write your prayers)
I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anymore.
It can only be heaven where I’m headed.

I never worked well in this group,
Where your sun shined on smiling faces,
I corroded in shaded places.
I never worked well in this group,
And the irony of loving me,
Is your burning light died beneath,
The ocean deep inside of us all.
The ocean where I’m smiling as I’m sinking.

And while we all drown, (save your tears, wipe your eyes dry)
We smile with smiles so wide (wider than the harbour where we died)
I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anymore.
It can only be heaven where I’m headed.

Caught behind the drivers seat,
The brakes are locked, water seeps.
In through the open window,
The seatbelt’s jammed and I am sinking.

[flywithdiamonds]

Now the first thing that struck me is that you suffer from the same problem as me when writing poetry. You'll end a sentence as a way to control the flow but continue it in the following the line, case in point:

"Caught behind the drivers seat,
The brakes are locked, water seeps.
In through the open window,"

not necessarily a bad thing but something to watch out for when it comes to putting music or reading aloud as it could wrongly place emphasis and take away from the impact of the words, which at the end of the day is what you're trying to acheive.

I liked the content and repetition in the 5th stanza, it helped the flow and was almost like a written cresendo. Very nice. :)

[Abaddon2005]

This is a lot more direct than your usual writing, a very nice progression. It's good to see you improving as you go along.

[ImusInTheMorning]

I never pegged you for the emo type

:D


not bad tho

[poo-poo-pee-pee]

Caught behind the drivers seat,
The brakes are locked, water seeps.
In through the open window,
The seatbelt’s jammed and I am sinking.

I love that stanza. Start and finish.
I don't really like the way it reads, I don't think "In through... should be a separate sentence, but I can imagine it to music, and I love it.

And while we all drown, (save your tears, wipe your eyes dry)
We smile with smiles so wide (wider than the harbour where we died)
I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anymore.
It can only be heaven where I’m headed

I don't really like the last line, it seems very bland and cleche for an otherwise interesting piece, and it's repeated a few times.
But that's just me, I don't really like references to heaven in songs/poems.
I like the first line, it's fits well with the first stanza. But the seconds just seems awkward to me. It just doesn't do it for me. Haha.

Anyways, the point I'm getting at is:
You have some really good ideas, and they are usually worded well.
Just sometimes a more bland, very blunt line appears, and it detracts from the piece. I like ambiguity it songs/poetry.
Nice work. :thumb:
I'd say about a 7/10?

If you'd like to crit a more amateur piece, feel free to have a look at my most recent: Settle For Better. (It's on the first page.)
Thanks.

[The_One]

I like it.

The first stanza is the best. It is an interesting topic and a great way to start off the piece.

And as I lay down, (wipe your eyes and save your tears)
I wear a smile so wide (bottled ink to write your prayers)
I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anymore.
It can only be heaven where I’m headed.

Is probably the worst part of it. The eye wiping and tear saving is kinda corny.

Also keep in mind there is nothing wrong with the phrasing of

"Caught behind the drivers seat,
The brakes are locked, water seeps.
In through the open window,"

Completing phrases in the next line is something i do a lot.

Cheers!

[Xianne]

I won't line for line crit, but I'll give you my thoughts after reading this. The topic was interesting, and so was your point of view (someone already dead). But it lacked any poetic elements that stood out. You were straightforward and you didn't have an attention-grabbing imagery or metaphors. However, I spot a metaphor in the 5th stanza. As Edgar Allen Poe suggests, try to set the atmosphere with your writing. Make the poem interesting with creative wording or something.

[Surf]

Its good, better than most stuf around here, but there's a few things that caught my eye.

You try very hard to create a hook in the chorus bits. You veer close to overusing alliteration and repition when it really doesn't need it.

We smile with smiles so wide (wider than the harbour where we died)

To me, this seems a little unconfident (not something I pick up from the rest of your writing); you seem to feel the need to have an internal rhyme, alliteration, repitition and a parentthesis all within one line, which works against itself. You don't need to have all these things and they make the writing a little cluttered and jaggy. Smooth it out a bit by perhaps rethinking some of the devices.

Similarly, some of the lines seem very raw and juttery

I never worked well in this group,
And the irony of loving me,

the words group and irony stick out as being a bit out of place. Group makes it sound like a support group in a community centre and irony seems awkwardly placed; an emotionless word in an emotional context. Little things like this are usually picked out when (or if) you do any re-writes, so I'll leave them up to you.


So overall, good work, but not beyond editing. Don't feel the need to force a hook in your writing, and watch out for any bumps in the flow between lines.

[Raidonko]

This is pretty good. The lyrics are telling me the love that this guy/girl feels for the other is deeper (or in this case wider) than what seperates them, which is what I usually try to express in my writing (crit for crit, please ^_^) Or maybe I'm just reading it wrong. Nonetheless, keep up the good work!

[johnb73]

not too shabby, sounds like ti would be neat put to an ambiant musical track of sorts.

its a bit depressing tho(IMO)

[TojesDolan]

bump :D

[Cyanide Sweetheart]

Some of the lines don't really flow as well as they could, and the chorus seems like a bit of a cliche, but other than that, I like it.

In widows black I rest beneath you.

Fantastic imagery. There's lots in there, but this is my favourite.

And I love the way you repeated the first verse at the end. I don't know why, but it really finishes the song well.