Summertime, New Jersey

[The_One]

Last night I went over to your house
Stood outside on the porch for a while
Before walking to your window

I called out your name
You slid out the door
And I told you about a shop in Piscataway
Where we could get some fresh hot bagels and sip some tea
You bit your lip, looked at me and then you said
Would I ever? “****ing hell yeah”

So we walked along the sidewalks with our bagels
Passing all the vendors out on the streets

And you saw a man taking pictures on the road for free
I wanted to remember right now forever and you agreed
So you said to the man
I’d like the bay in the background, if you’d please
You fixed your hair. He smiled, and he counted to three.

I don’t know when I’ll be back

So please, please, please, until I get back.
Don’t forget, just try to remember the days when we’d stare at each others backs
Promise we’ll take off our socks and lay out on the grass
So please, please, please, don’t forget until I get back.

--

ha i wish i lived in NJ. :)

[Dinosawesome]

Last night I went over to your house
Stood outside on the porch for a while
Before walking to your window
Nothing elaborate or amazing, but nothing bad either. A solid start.

I called out your name
You slid out the door
And I told you about a shop in Piscataway
Where we could get some fresh hot bagels and sip some tea
You bit your lip, looked at me and then you said
Would I ever? “****ing hell yeah”
"I called out your name, you slid out the door" doesn't sound right to me for some reason, a little disjointed I think, but that's just reading, if it fits keep it. Piscataway has too many sticky sounds ('sc', 't') which is always a deathtrap for vocalists and I always try to avoid profanity in lyrics- it makes them seem crude and unimaginable. Probably the weakest stanza of the piece.

So we walked along the sidewalks with our bagels
Passing all the vendors out on the streets
This is sweet, sets a good scene, creates a realistic picture. Much better than the previous stanza.

And you saw a man taking pictures on the road for free
I wanted to remember right now forever and you agreed
So you said to the man
I’d like the bay in the background, if you’d please
You fixed your hair. He smiled, and he counted to three.
"Free/Agreed" is a good rhyme in the context, not really forced so it fits, though if it were me I'd take a syllable off the second line. The "please/three" seems a little less flowing- I'd change "he counted" to just "counted". You've already said "he smiled", you don't need to re-explain which character you're talking about again, it's just taking up space.

I don’t know when I’ll be back
Nice breakdown line, lots of connotations but not enough to be overly clichéd (damn I hate that word, sorry to use it on you).

So please, please, please, until I get back.
Don’t forget, just try to remember the days when we’d stare at each others backs
Promise we’ll take off our socks and lay out on the grass
So please, please, please, don’t forget until I get back.
Repetitive but it works, still too many syllables in the second line for my taste but once again, if it fits, use it.

Not incredible but much better than a lot of the lyrics out there.

7/10