A Candle Challenges The Dark

[EmergencyRoom]

So i've been away for sometime for anyone who remembers me. Real life or a lack of it has been getting in the way. I haven't written anything in some time and i'm pretty sure this isn't even close to decent, but it's a start. We finally got another mod in here i see (<3 tojes :p )

Hope it's enjoyed by some and looking for any feedback at all as to improving it. Thanks much.


A Candle Challenges The Dark

I was sitting here
In wonderment today
Thinking of the things
I used to want to say
Now the things are different
Priorities have changed
Life has moved along
Opinions rearranged

Watched a candle burn last night
Alone in the dark to start,
But suddenly, kept company.
I wish I could have framed that moment
Snapshot of the times, made me see the smallest candle
In a brand new light. I watched the biggest battle
Ebb and flow and rage, the darkness tried to stamp light out,
Write it from history’s page.

The light it waved and flickered,
Unsure of how to stand, against an enemy like this
Without a helping hand. I sat and watched the flame
Who quivered hard in fright, trembling with fear
Enveloped by the night. But still it stood and fought,
Refusing to be snuffed, fighting a foe so much more vast
Must surely have been tough. The darkness fought harder
Trying to prevail, the light would not give up it’s ground
Despite appearing frail.

Gradually the darkness, realising it’s defeat,
Began to subside flowing from my bedroom
Replacing dark with light. The candle continued to burn
Exactly just as bright, the darkness hadn’t altered it
Throughout their epic fight. And so I began to realise
Just what I had seen, words began to come to me
Like memories from a dream. I put my pen to paper,
Slowly began to write, knowing something new today
about stubbornness and life.

So when you’re feeling lonely and the darkness closes in
And conscience makes it’s case and you’re consumed by your sins.
When the debts began to spiral and the life you lead seems small
And the things you’ve always wanted don’t seem important at all.
When the ones you love don’t seem to feel the same
And the people that you trust go ahead and let you down
Just remember darkness and how it loses out,
When a single candle refuses to go out

[Dinosawesome]

Okay, not really full for time so here's the basic rundown.

Stanza #1
Easily your best. Flowing and descriptive yet not cluttered.

Stanza #2
Still good, yet sometimes you're taking things too far. It feels like you're trying too hard to create a scene. Relax your style and just work things through until they fit the mood without damaging the flow.

Stanza #3
You get cluttered here. Too many syllables- you tell too much story and don't give enough background. You want people to naturally follow your lyrics, writing like this makes it tedious to read.

Stanza #4
Better than the last, still too cluttered, but better than the last.

Stanza #5
Much better flow but the dialogue reminds me of a childrens song. Still a good finish though.

You started well, you kind of got lost a little but dug your way out satisfactorily in the end. A nice blueprint with lots of potential. A very nice title too.

7.5/10

[RunAmokRampant]

I remember you vaguely. Dotted for later.

[EmergencyRoom]

Thanks Nath, hadn't eversaw you in here when i used to post. I admit it sounds a bit peurile in parts and its somewhat cluttered with ideas and when i look bvack it repeats itself too much in places. Think bright eyes and it makes a bit moe sense, because that's what i was thinking about when i wrote it.

Thanks for the feedback:thumb:

[TojesDolan]

wazzup boy, it's been a while indeed.

Anyway. I'll just nitpick since this clearly is a great piece, and I congratulate you beforehand. Very well written and driven, the reader doesn't really have to make a huge effort to read it. Nonetheless, it's problem resides only in how you are extremely descriptive of certain moments of the story, nearly being prose-esque about it. Making it borderline prose isn't bad either, but sometimes that drags the piece in key moments that don't really require the extra effort, which you take either it feels necessary or not. The idea in general is pretty awesome, though, but I always like to go around the shadows and be a bit more... discrete and mysterious about it, heh. But still, as is the piece is great, just needs to be fixed in the parts it drags, and hurry the story line. I'll tell you in another occasion what sections to be more accurate, so you make the call whether to improve next time or edit the current one.

cheers. =)

[Dinosawesome]

Thanks Nath, hadn't eversaw you in here when i used to post. I admit it sounds a bit peurile in parts and its somewhat cluttered with ideas and when i look bvack it repeats itself too much in places. Think bright eyes and it makes a bit moe sense, because that's what i was thinking about when i wrote it.

Thanks for the feedback:thumb:
Meh, I have periods of mass activity and non-activity.

However, this was the forum that convinced me to join the forums in the first place :cool:

[poo-poo-pee-pee]

I'm short on time, so I'll be brief.

I LOVE the idea of the poem.
I think it's brilliant. Exactly the kind of thing I like to read.

My favorite stanza would have to be the third.
It does have some awkward wording, and could definitely use some work, but it pains a very clear picture in my mind as what you're thinking when you see this candle. Though I'd assume some to find it rather tedious. (As I wrote that i realized it has already been said.)

The first stanza flows very nicely, but seems somewhat bland and lacking to me.

If you could have the flow of the first, and the imagery and story of the third, well, I'd buy that!

In conclusion, very much to my liking, just a little clustered in places. You need to work on the flow of your work, otherwise, amazing.

If you'd like to comment something very different, potential lyrics for my band, feel free to have a look at my latest: Settle For Better (It's on the first page.)
Thanks. :thumb:

[filipinorocker5115]

"I wish I could have framed that moment
Snapshot of the times, made me see the smallest candle
In a brand new light. I watched the biggest battle
Ebb and flow and rage, the darkness tried to stamp light out,
Write it from history’s page."

I really like this stanza. everything flows well. great use of metaphors.

"The darkness fought harder
Trying to prevail, the light would not give up it’s ground
Despite appearing frail."

I can really see what your trying to say here. This stanza flows really well. a good use of words here.

Just remember darkness and how it loses out,
When a single candle refuses to go out

This part here really stuck out for me. Maybe just cause of the message being sent here or because of how it flows.

some parts of the poem are a little prose and bland. but you had a lot of high points like the stanzas above. Overall it is a good poem