Things Aren't The Way They Seem

[shanny rae14]

Begin to worry, begin to fade,
A girl runs away and she gets laid.
People hurt and people mourn,
His mother dies, her baby's born.
It's a painful matter of love and fate,
We all hurry with no patience to wait.
A memory cloned as the camera flashed,
Waves of sadness for those who've passed.
Death repeats as does a song,
And yet we sit here all day long.
I would call this so called world
Something like what man has hurled.
Depression, sickness, all the same,
An environment simply filled with shame.
So do what your worth, fulfill your dreams,
You'll see things aren't the way they seem.

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

i like it. its very real and down to earth. its gonna be kinda hard to put to music but ill help you with that :thumb:

[Seeders]

nice job rhyming, theres a few lines I tripped over.

"An environment simply filled with shame"

I think this line could do without the "simply".

"It's a painful matter of love and fate,
We all hurry with no patience to wait"

This rhyme seemed the most forced to me.

[Silverhammer]

It's a painful matter of love and fate,
We all hurry with no patience to wait.

i agree that does appear to be forced. and looking down a bit further, it might conflict with your idea of death.

before i point that out, i must spotlight this line:

A memory cloned as the camera flashed,

very nice.

now...
Death repeats as does a song,
And yet we sit here all day long.

this is what i was talking about. you said we don't wait, but here we are waiting, more or less, for death. so that previous line losses some of it's impact. also, i suggest changing the second line to "and we wait to hear it all day long".

I would call this so called world
Something like what man has hurled.

i like the ambiguity of the second line, but the firts is bothering me a bit. perhaps it's the "call" and "called". i would change that.

Depression, sickness, all the same,
An environment simply filled with shame.
So do what you're worth, fulfill your dreams,
You'll see things aren't the way they seem.


whoa, this came out of nowhere. what happened to the girl and the baby? where did that build up go? though this presents some controversial opinions, i would say scrap it and come up with something else that fits the idea of a willed fate, that's if that was the idea you wanted to present.

[shanny rae14]

thanks for the pointers and what not guys.
i'm not going to fix it just because well
A) i wasn't going to make this into a song. it's more of a poem and
B) i like it the way it is.. and i'm sure if i tried to fix something i'd just scramble other things so i'm not going to bother hah

thanks so much though.