A little something from the heart

[slashjunior]

Just a little something i threw together from the heart. It doesn't have any crazy metaphors or any poetic genius, just to the point and simple. Check it out:

It was a sunny summers evening in a countryside bar,
She was so bright, she shined brighter than a star,
Man, I was never expecting beauty this hot,
Never thought I’d make it as far as I’ve got,
Her personality, laughter and beauty were mesorisin’,
Checkin’ out all other girls, damn there was no competition,
We chatted all night jokin’ with each other,
It was that night I knew I wanted to take things a step further.


It was two weeks later, we met on a second date,
Would she open up for me and let me pass through her gate?
We started speakin’ like we had never been apart,
Just checkin’ out her ***, damn she looked hot,
We both shared the same interests, music and all,
Jokin’ about the funny **** we did when we was at school,
I never wanted this evenin’ to end,
Just her and me chillin’, man this was a God-send.


She had just been on vacation, damn I had missed her,
Third date, I gotta be real and tell this girl how I feel about her,
I managed a stutter, “I like you a lot”,
Would she agree or her answer hit me like a gun shot?
Never thought I’d meet someone this great online,
Misconceptions aside, I know she make my whole world shine,
But yo, this final verse is in the future tense,
Left hopin’ she feels the same way so this life starts to make more sense.


Let us know what you think. Thanks.

[Dinosawesome]

Every. Single. Line. Is. A. Terribly. Forced. Rhyme.

You need to focus more on telling the story, who cares if it rhymes? If it does, well that's convenient, but if it doesn't, please- for your own sake- use something better than "But yo, this final verse is in the future tense,
Left hopin’ she feels the same way so this life starts to make more sense." because frankly, that's freaking crap.

If this is a joke, terribly sorry I didn't pick up on it. If this is serious, heed my advice and think long and hard before writing again.

1/10

[Abaddon2005]

What Nath said.. The rhyming is just uninspired. Also, is it supposed to be a rap?

[slashjunior]

Yeah it is more of a rap :lol: . I put like maybe 5 minutes into it so it is nothing really that great. You can see how bored I get on Sundays.

[ChristophTBM]

Would she open up for me and let me pass through her gate?


Is this a euphemism?

[Silverhammer]

It was a sunny summers evening in a countryside bar,
(for me, i think there needs to be an action by you like turning your head or something like that here, shows that there is movement and some flow. as is it throws this woman in front of me with no real grace. also, the beginning verse could use some work. use something other than "sunny". make it show that the sun has pounded you and now you are seeking shelter in this bar of something like that)
She was so bright, she shined brighter than a star,
(keep the first part and change the second half to show how here "brightness' affects you)
Man, I was never expecting beauty this hot,
Never thought I’d make it as far as I’ve got,
Her personality, laughter and beauty were mesorisin’,
Checkin’ out all other girls, damn there was no competition,
(i like the first line, but after that thee;s little as far as images go. the last line here could be much better, and i would change "competition" to "comparing" but i don't like that either)
We chatted all night jokin’ with each other,
It was that night I knew I wanted to take things a step further.

("a step" can be omitted to make the flow a bit better)


It was two weeks later, we met on a second date,
Would she open up for me and let me pass through her gate?
(to me the "it was" can be taken out. rest of that line should be a big image considering the following one you have. i would so it so just not to make it so obvious as to what i am getting at. the rest of this stanza i didn't care to much for. go back over it and hide what you seriously what to say, and be direct with the foolish talk)

(the last stanza is more or less the same thing. it doesn't read like there's something there. probably when it's sung you can hear the feelings, but it seems that this has not sparked anything in you. it's making you feel the same things as everyone else. there's nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't mean you can't take those bland feelings and add your own personality to them. also, you seem to add much internal dialogue in the song, i think that's a neat and you should utilize a bit more in this song considering that you actions and confidence express are competing)