Pulse(C4C)

[Ratmlz]

you stepped on his grass at first
i even joined you time to time
i stopped walking with you
when he made the property line

and as i stood from the side
watching you mow is lawn
watching you sweat till dawn


I hope they find you on the floor
with no pulse any more
because you have walked into the house
and the man inside is waiting to pounce

i hope your mother starts to cry
when she finds out you ****ing died
but i can see where you are coming from

you left his house never to come back
but then we got ****ing stabbed in the back
you enter his house doing worse then before
and he ****ing killed you at the door

now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door

now you have no ****ing door
because you were lying on the floor
hopefully you'll sleep in bed
and you wont ****ing wake up dead

now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door
now you have no ****ing door

[Seeders]

I dont really know what to think about it. The rhyming is a bit weak and stale. A lot of the lines seem forced.

The story seems a bit out of whack. I wasn't able to get any emotion out of it except a confused murderous anger.

Its not garbage, but you can definitely improve on it.

[DaTwig]

I hope they find you on the floor
with no pulse any more
because you have walked into the house
and the man inside is waiting to pounce

This stanza could use a lot of work. The rhyming just sounds too forced and really hurts the flow of the song. Also, I found the constant profanity throughout the song unnecessary. It just sounded out of place and distasteful.

Just work on it, and don't feel like you have to rhyme just for the sake of rhyming. Do what flows and sounds right. Try reading it outloud after you write it and see how it flows.

Hopefully this helped.