Lazy Boy In The Fast Lane

[misscuddlemonster]

Please critique
I don't care if you're harsh


The lazy boy in the fast lane
Eyes glazed over with
I don't know what

Prized for his akward mouth
So he should probably write
Write it all out

You rebel diaster
You sudden storm
You scratchmark on my vinyl
Farewell your lips will form
So let's make this goodbye final

I can't live this life in repeat
And you're always bored
Well, so am I

You're shaking seas
But it's your daily disaster
You don't know what you're after

[DrummerBoy0827]

Well, it is kinda hard for me to tell, seeing that I dont really have any melody to go by. But it seems like some of the lines are a bit long. But agian this all depends on how the music is laid out. It just seems like some of the lines may be rushed in order to get the whole thing out in time to start the next line. Sing it along with the music that you have in mind for the lyrics, and then see how you can shorten up some if the lines, without loosing the meaning of the song ofcourse.

[RunAmokRampant]

The lazy boy in the fast lane
Eyes glazed over with
I don't know what

the 'I don't know what' part drags this down heaps. There is no way a reader can engage with a piece of work where the description of something is brushed over. What is his eyes glazed over with? You need to be more specific as this kind of vague offering is irritating.

Prized for his akward mouth
So he should probably write
Write it all out

A little better with the progression. Be a little more tactful when proofreading as there are some blatant typos. akward is spelt awkward.

You rebel diaster
You sudden storm
You scratchmark on my vinyl
Farewell your lips will form
So let's make this goodbye final

This stanza is a disaster in terms of flow. You need to rephrase this whole section, it's a mess. vinyl sounds so forced it makes me almost gag. Sorry for the harsh critique but I hate it when rhyming becomes this forced.

I can't live this life in repeat
And you're always bored
Well, so am I

You're shaking seas
But it's your daily disaster
You don't know what you're after

Again the last line sounds forced and the imagery holds no weight with the rest of the piece. This isn't very good song, needs to be more developed in most areas of poetics but its not terrible, I've seen worse.

[TojesDolan]

Some nice wording here or there but in general the idea is kind of meh. The idea is there, it's nice and what not, but still it's been written several times before. As I said you are a good writer, you know how to put things together, just find more shattering themes to talk about.

Nice rhyme there, though. Felt unexpected for a reason, but that's what makes it good.

EDIT: Uh, third stanza, that is.