detached

[username_is_taken]

like a twig from a tree
it is left behind
it searches, forgotten
for something to feel
they move on so quickly
forget to return
is it too late?

composed of others it
used to be that way
it fills this hole with hope
something from before
so much has happened here
much was conceived then
can one go back?

Playing this game with my minds eye
waiting for tides of tears to rise in
detatched from that which creates my being
my very existance is compromised with each passing breath
cannot this torment be forgotten?

like rock struck on the glass
it will give in soon
this is less than easy
with time it will fall
it needs to move on inside
only then can it see
is this possible?

okay ive been practicing and writing more and this is something i wrote last night that i thought was decent enough, so gimme crit, ill rep u fa sho.

[TojesDolan]

*detached

[username_is_taken]

aw **** i had to make a typo on the title, could i get a crit tho?

[TojesDolan]

NO DON'T USE THE WORD "GAME", it feels very dumb.

As I said in a critique I made earlier, the vibe is there. Your writing isn't as basic as I'd expect, but the theme is just... common place. Also, I'd comment on the incessant need of yours to explain everything. There are some phrases around the piece that are common place and cliché like so much has happened here, which probably conveys something you really need to say, but to be honest there's no need to. These situational lines are just pointless and make the reading lag.

I don't have much else to say, though. Good writing here or there, but it's drowned fast because of the hindering parts.

The first lines in the verses are cool, anywya.