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RunAmokRampant
06-05-2007, 04:19 AM
From the yellow Beach to the yellowing grass


I stress that this is one poem just separated into 3 parts.


i.

The Stars fade like scars in the celestial
Ceiling. The blue hue glows, holding the sun
Above my head as I walk leisurely
Along a dusty road, with flies buzzing
Around my sweaty face, following me
From the beach; I keep an old steady pace.
The sand in my worn leather bound sandals
Has transgressed and traveled from soaring reefs
To the yellowing plains of parched farmland.

ii.

I set the sand free and the dry, crisp wind
Carries it away with leaves from stubborn
Gum-trees, ponderous in gliding descent;
The sand sets in foreign territory
And the formation of dark clouds warns me,
Or mocks us, with distant sounds of thunder
While the sun disappears, retreating in
Our memory of what was once so bright,
And I applaud these theatrics truly.
Earth has set the stage for me to engage
With the rigorous and eternal change,
And I within feel the change with the sand,
Foreign yet familiar, sensations
Like old friends clasping at the sky;
Calling at heavens, calling at mountains
And waiting for an unearthly reply.
The shouting echoes the present silence,
I stand in windswept rain; earthly reply
For a man standing on a dusty road
Turning to mud! The sand is gone, buried
Beyond comprehension of what the scene
Presents, and my eyes wrap around tightly
To remember and cast in memory,
To imagine what has governed my thoughts
Of my existence, else it be vacant
Hollow shells like the ones back at the beach.
Yes, the sea has followed me by the course
Of rainclouds; feels both alive and spectral,
Mystifying and charitable in
This arid, dehydrating, and coarse place.

iii.

The distant mountains and bare paddocks in
The misty foreground, with horses eating
Grass alongside the black bitumen road,
Are translucent, that breathes fog over my eyes
And my senses wane. Is this death?
This lack of a conscious imagining,
This vacancy is familiar of sleep;
And I wake with a start on the roadside.
Gone are the dusty road, rain, and thunder.
Come has this hard blackness that I stand on,
Ugly white lines that stretch infinitely
Up to the horizon. I hear thunder
Again! No, I am dearly mistaken
For the engines of man: a long serpent
With wheels that engrave the earth and exhume
Blackness like the road. It comes out of the
Fog, and I step aside with grass, horses,
And the gum-trees along the fence line,
And I jump over to escape this blackened world
Of oil, gasoline, steel, and exhaust.

TojesDolan
06-06-2007, 02:28 AM
The Stars fade like scars in the celestial
Ceiling. The blue hue glows, holding the sun
Above my head as I walk leisurely
Along a dusty road, with flies buzzing
Around my sweaty face, following me
From the beach; I keep an old steady pace.
The sand in my worn leather bound sandals
Has transgressed and traveled from soaring reefs
To the yellowing plains of parched farmland.

celestial ceiling, scars... I've read these before. Nonetheless, it's hard to describe a pretty might without extremely cliché wording. :(

Anyway, the images are overall pretty damn solid, it provokes a nice, warm sensation when you read it and it transports me to a nice beach for some reason. There's nothing else I can pick out of this part, anyway. Except the clichés on the front, but I think I've overcome that shi.

i'll do the rest later

or tomorrow

RunAmokRampant
06-06-2007, 07:39 AM
Yer I've incorportated some lines and ideas that I've written before to create this. It's a modern Romantic piece just to let you know.

Surf
06-06-2007, 10:31 AM
DOt DoT dOT

yeah

Surf
06-11-2007, 02:13 PM
K here we go:

I love the meter. Being able to write in such a strict meter is a skill, and you've done well. I'm not sure whether its meant to be Iambic (some places it is, some it isn't), but that's not really a problem.

Meter aside, I really enjoyed this. The imagery is excellent and its a great idea; well done man.

Few things I did pick up one

Earth has set the stage for me to engage
With the rigorous and eternal change,

Here you start to edge towards overdoing the rhyming. Its not particularly forced, but it takes away from the overall subtlety of the piece, throwing things into the readers face, a bit too bluntly.

Similarly, the rhyming/repitition here suffers froma similar problem.


Like old friends clasping at the sky;
Calling at heavens, calling at mountains
And waiting for an unearthly reply.
The shouting echoes the present silence,
I stand in windswept rain; earthly reply

Just seems too obvious.

The only other fault I could think of was the imagery. You seem to want to modify everything, place an adjective in front of all the nouns etc. Some things even have several modifiers. It gets to be a little like overkill. With respect to the meter, I think you could easily cut a few of the weaker descriptions out, that the better ones have more of an effect.

These are pretty minor quibbles though, I really enjoyed this piece. Well done man.

RunAmokRampant
06-11-2007, 06:10 PM
Thanks a lot Surf. I didn't even mean to rhyme and those instances were not intentional but now that you've pointed them out, along with the issue of overwriting, I will address these problems in my next draft. Cheers.

ChristophTBM
06-13-2007, 06:38 PM
Around my sweaty face, following me

Sweating face seems to flow better for this line when read out loud.

The other things have been picked out by surf, only thing I could fault