concept piece "lost in a haze"

[Apollyon]

as part of my alt. rock/ambient experiment i've written some lyrics

i don't write anything fictitious so this is my best current attempt at going from prose to non-fiction poetry

it's very A-B-A-B but i'm a fan of simplicity

anyway this is the rough draft

It's just one more time
There's not enough there to last me a week
I'm just gonna take a walk
You can find me at the creek

I'll be sitting up on the rock wall
Watching the current below
I'll come back home when I run out of blow

Or maybe I'll just hide
In the basement downstairs
I need to bury my fears
And forget all my cares

I'm over my head
There's just too many drugs
I'm drowning in liquor and my mind is a flood

I'm scratching the surface
But I can't kill the itch
You can see it in my eyes
I just need my fix

This world is a nightmare
I'm so full of fear
I try so hard to hold on tight
But I'm losing everything that I hold dear

I don't want to give up
But sometimes I want to die
How can I make it from day to day
If I don't drink, snort, and fry

I wish I could still be innocent and young
When girls and summer were my ideas of fun

I've lost so much time
I have too little faith
In the eyes of my ego I'm a total disgrace

But tomorrow's a new day
I'll be fresh with the dawn
Maybe I'll be happier, healthy, and strong

There's too many drugs and too many fears
God speed and God willing
I'll get the hell out of here

I want to be a rock star
Don't want a 9-5 job
But living the lifestyle has made me a slob

Still living at home
I'm too scared to leave
I wish I could stop
Take a minute and breathe

something i think i could change would be..

There's too many drugs and too many fears
God speed and God willing
I'll get the hell out of here

to..

There's too many drugs and too little time
God speed and God willing
I'll make it out alive (or 'fine' idk right now)

ideas/comments are welcome

poetry and songwriting are not my strong point so i'm pretty uncomfortable sharing anything i've written

i've always been a non-fiction essay type of author so this is touchy ground and i won't be surprised if i get some negative comments but feel free to unleash the beast

[TojesDolan]

kayo

[DrummerBoy0827]

I would go with the change you had at the bottom. It just seems like it may flow a little better. I like it, much respect for not being afraid to be honest in your music.

[Apollyon]

thanks and yeah i felt like that just flowed better but i didn't want to sub it in until i got some 3rd party feedback

[TojesDolan]

poetry and songwriting are not my strong point so i'm pretty uncomfortable sharing anything i've written

Well, of course it's not. There's a huge difference between showing to others something out of your heart and soul, and well. Teenagers tend to be very heart-out about it. So basically, poetry and song writing is a bad thing, in general.

Now, after that little introduction, I can feel like I'm reviewing anyone else's material. For what it matters to me, I absolutely despise writing about my life, because I know I'll end up hurting myself and thinking later that what I wrote lacked depth. And I'm usually right. Writing as streams of thought come is usually bad, unless you write things as are, and then go back to re-write what you've done, except hiding everything behind flamboyant terminology and similes and other writing resources.

Anyway, I can't revise the piece as "A piece", because it clearly lacks what I usually review in songwriting. But judging it for what it is, a song, it's kind of nice. The sentiment is right there, so the connection with an audience or to the public is easy to get. But for the most part it could be a lot more insightful, and not so repetitive.

My two cents as usual, not to be taken seriously.

[Iscariot]

yeah i can see that which is why i called it a 'rough draft' in the original post because i definitely don't consider it a refined and well worked piece but it's in progress and that's the best i can say atm

i don't want to weigh it down with unnecessary

flamboyant terminology and similes and other writing resources.

but i don't want to leave it as crude as it is either i just want to make it a little smoother around the edges

[TojesDolan]

Ah, I see. Well, sometimes I think it's nice to use similes here or there in order to enhance the moments that are really good and make them better. Let me give you an example of what I'd do.

Or maybe I'll just hide
In the basement downstairs
I need to bury my fears
And forget all my cares

For instance, here everything is shown as is. It'd be nice to take a simile here to make the overall piece greater. I usually take the main ideas and turn them into something in the context I'm writing. Basement, downstairs, burying, forgetting. Now this is a long-shot but it'd be nice to try. Why not relate it to a funeral, being fears the ones being taken somewhere you can remember, but not as being part of your life anymore, but being more of a distant memory you've left behind.

Considering this is more of a song and I don't want it to be stupidly obscure, I take the main ideas and rearrange, considering as well it's a personal piece (that's important as well):


[I'm] Dressed up for the occasion,
The funeral of ghosts that must be gone,
brought some flowers, brought intentions
they wither slowly; blame the sun.


It's still a bit too dense, especially because it has more syllables than the older section (first line for instance is 7 in the latter instead of 6), but rhythm must not be sacrificed, as simplicity shouldn't either, but I personally think making dense parts and mixing them up with things you can relate to is what makes a song a good song.

[Abaddon2005]

What Tojes said x2. Also this verse:
I want to be a rock star
Don't want a 9-5 job
But living the lifestyle has made me a slob


doesn't really fit in, it strikes me as incredibly cheesy.

[Iscariot]

kk /removes

[Surf]

:(


flamboyant terminology and similes and other writing resources.

This is what makes writing interesting for me.

I appreciate what you're trying to do here. Stripping a story down to the raw elements is quite cool idea, and you've done ok, but I'm not really a fan.

The story, whilst it seems pretty 'honest', just doesn't hold much interest without being embellished with things like imagery and metaphor. They make writing really stand out and stay with the reader. I felt the story here was hurt for not being even slightly done up or decorated.

I think you could keep the feel and tone of the piece, but at the same time add a few flourishes to the piece, just to keep the reader engaged.

Another problem I felt continued through the piece was the length of the verses. In only three/four lines, and without metaphor and other stuf, you never really had enough time to expand on the ideas, and left them only half explored before moving onto the next point.

You're very ambitious with this piece, in that you want to keep it down to earth, but at the same time want to cover so much ground. Maybe if you built the verses up a bit you'd be able to go more in depth (but you'd have to cut some bits - I'd suggest the rock star bit) but you'd lose some of the sympathy.

Ugh I don't know what to suggest. You're caught in a catch 22. If you make it too complex, it'll lose its honesty. If you keep it honest, its not complex enough to be engaging. ugh.