Suggestions? Comments? Anyone?

[DrummerBoy0827]

This is a song I wrote after a bit of a hard break-up of a two year relationship. ha ha Let me know what you think? ANd give me any suggestions you may have? Thanks

Wasted Time

Was it love?

I believed everything
all the lies you said to me
shattered memories feel my head
these tears made it hard to see.

you were the best, worst part of me
you broke my heart so good
you made it seem so hard to be
something I never understood.

was it love

I'de do anything to take it back
not what I did, but you completely
your memories get me off track
now only your absence completes me

you made it seem,
you made it seem so true

you were the best, worst part of me
you broke my heart so good
you made it seem so hard to be
something I never understood.

I believed everything
all the lies you said to me
shattered memories feel my head
these tears made it hard to see.

You made it seem,
you mae it seem so true

you were the best, worst part of me
you broke my heart so good
you made it seem so hard to be
something I never understood.

Take it back, erase the page
burn the gifts through them away
your memories are dead to me
no more love now I see
I was chasing false dreams
no more lies admit to me
no more lies
no more lies
no more lies

you were the best, worst part of me
you broke my heart so good
you made it seem so hard to be
something I never understood.

Was it love?

Well thats it. Let me know what you think guys. Thanks in advance!!!

[RunAmokRampant]

I think this is something you should really keep to yourself and I don't mean that in an offence way at all. It's just from a poetic perspective, it screams teenage angst and the typical nature of relationships gone awry. There is nothing that the reader can really relate to other than it is melodramatic in a soap opera sense. It is really underdeveloped in composition with the scarce amount of ideas that are present. It never progresses. There could be potential but this reads like something I would find in someone's diary.

There are no things such as false dreams. It is just reality that never lets it happen. See there you could elaborate further on an idea like that and incorporate more original imagery that really speaks out. The trouble with lyrics like these, you need to conscious of how this would react with the reader. Why would they care? Where are the key ideas expressed? Where is the true emotion coming out? At the moment you have the emotion, but not the poetic skill of really breaking out this emotion through language.

[TojesDolan]

What Run Amok Rampant said. Basically, you're being very simplistic at putting what you feel, and leaving everything exposed and well... it's being excessively dramatic.

I'm not much of a fanatic of writing about broken hearts, because it ends up being the same poem written over, and over, and over again. Besides suggesting looking for a much wider lyrical content, if you feel like talking about the same topic, at least try to be more elusive about it.

And yeah, grab better vocabulary, heh.

[DrummerBoy0827]

Thanks guys I will deff. take your advice and look into it a little more. I like it anyways, simply because it is something that was important to me. But from a writers standpoint I can see your side of it as well. Thanks for not burning me too bad.

[TojesDolan]

Yeah. I know. Been there, written that, heh.

[Abaddon2005]

You might find you'll be able to write a better piece on it once you're able to reflect in a more objective manner. I don't know how long it has been since you've broken up, but for some people it helps their writing to let things cool down inside themselves first.

[DrummerBoy0827]

Thanks, that is a good point. I wrote this one not too long after the whole thing happened. So I may have based the content too much on all the emotions that I was feeling at the time. I will go back and re-think the whole thing. Perhaps I will repost it at a later date to see if I made any improvements.