Train in Time

[liz123]

You're just a little behind, ten minutes in time
It makes a difference, new hour unreached
Few steps forward for you, but I can't go back for you
So we keep on ticking, hope the battery fails
Or you'll pick up speed, so please follow my trail.

I'll keep on singing till you pick it up
We needed a melody
for you to reach your stop
And you can blow the steam train back from where you came
And here is where its all unchanged, but you like it anyway.

And I fall down to pick your dropped penny
from the ground
And I fall down when I open my ears
to your sound.

Time says you shouldn't be here
you're not gone, but shouldn't be near
Not from not wanting it
But from not knowing it
and it drives me, and it drives me
what is 'it' you ask
I cry, I laugh
Its this heart which finally led you to my path
It can't stand the pressure, its shifted to you.

And the train takes us to time missed
And songs were kissed upon his very lips
To bring back what was thought to be lost
Was right at my very fingertips.


( I actually like this piece I've written, so please crit. so I can improve it. :) )

[CofDdrums12]

Few steps forward for you, but I can't go back for you

I don't care for how that's worded, the way both fragments end in "for you" - just a suggestion to mix it up a bit.


To bring back what was thought to be lost
Was right at my very fingertips.

I also don't think that's worded correctly.
Maybe add "but" before "Was right at..."?
That's the only thing I can think of w/o dramatically changing the structure there.

Pretty cool otherwise though.

*thumbs up*

[Raidonko]

That's pretty deep. My cup of tea, as you would say. I like it.