She didn't have time

[Charlie Manson]

He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
like she'd been some casual friend.
he said "your better off with out me
i'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
he started the car
pulled out of the drive
didn't waste any time lookin' back
she watched him go
thinkin' even a stranger
would show more compassion than that

she could've cried but she didn't have time
she had a baby to feed
a pink blanket to find
to rock their little one to sleep
she could've laid in bed for hours
giving misery the power
but she didn't have time

she got a sitter,and she got a job
'cause she had a promise to keep
her day was a factory and evening survival
at night was exhaustion and sleep
sometimes she felt life was passing her by
and watching was all she could do
her friends said "you gotta get outta the house
and maybe you'll meet someone new"

she could've tried
but she didn't have time
she had a five year old to feed
she had ballet class, piano lessons
and t-ball little league
she could've laid awake for hours
giving lonely nights the power
but she didn't have the time

not time where would she find the time
to trust a man again
not time for that flat tire
a crowded parking lot and then
not time but yes have coffee with the man
who got her tyre fixed
she was thinking gosh he's handsome
when he asked do you have kids

she could've lied
but she didnt have time
all she said was "she's five"
he said "i saw the car seat I love kids
does she have your eyes?"
and they sat and talked for hours
giving destiny it's power
she could've been afraid
to fall in love that night
but she didn't have time

she could've been afraid
to fall in love that night
but she didn't have time

[Nightvision]

Hey dude.

This will be a brief one, as I'm not quite awake yet.

First impression is that it's slightly over-long. I like what you're saying, and as far as 'downtrodden woman' songs go, this is one of the better ones I've read on here, but there is a slight over-repetition of the 'didn't have time' theme.
I'm a big fan of repeating themes in pieces, and believe they hold a piece together as well as any other literary device, however you've ended up with seven stanzas here, and I get the impression you could have probably said just as much in four or five

Filler aside, I was quite impressed with the fact you managed to slide in a few rhymes and half-rhymes without ever giving in and letting them dominate your piece, so kudos for that.

Imagery-wise, I felt you were a little thin on the ground. Everything was explained directly, and there was very little scope for the reader's/listener's imagination to ever break loose and get creative. This isn't an awful thing, as songs with less imagery have been very popular before, and will be so again. It all depends on your point of view.

As for the vocab/language, it was mostly ok, a few slip-ups here and there (the fourth and fifth stanzas felt very rigid and formulaic - if you were going to cut anything, I'd look here first), and maybe a lack of variation in the words and themes was a bit of a handicap, but this might well become less of a factor if you were to shorten the piece.

Overall, this isn't that bad. I've certainly read far worse, and there are some flashes of very nice technique in there. Keep tweaking it and coming back to it, and this will be something you can really be pleased with.

[Surf]

Yeah, basically what was said up there.

Its a good story, told well (if a little bluntly). You've built the character up well and made it interesting to the reader, so big kudos for that.

But in a few places it seemed like there was some filler going on, treading over the same ground again. You've got alot of verses there, and I would reccommend slimming down a few, just so you don't bombard the listener with seemingly flippant pieces of a story which don't really round the character at all. Some of the verses, like the second and forth, could easily be combined; take out some of the weaker lines and keep the stronger ones in.

Another issue was some of the written expression.
not time but yes have coffee with the man
It seems like you're going for something in a stream of conciousness fashion, but it goes no where, and seems to just confuse the piece instead of helping it. Its easy to fix though, just change 'yes' to 'to'. The stream... thing doesn't really work because it comes out of no where and just fades out without really accomplishing much. I can see what you were going for, but it doesn't sit too well with the rest of the piece.

Overall it was a good read. The story has been told before, but you made it interesting and kept me engaged. I've highlighted a couple of things, but overall it was good stuff.

[Oh, Cassandra]

You soooo didn't write that!!! it's a song by Terri Clarke. You didn't even change the title!

[Surtr]

Rofl!

Nice.

And awesome to see a fellow Atlantic Canadian on Mx! :)

I'm originally from PEI.

[Surf]

You soooo didn't write that!!! it's a song by Terri Clarke. You didn't even change the title!

Never heard of them.

Regardless, I stand by everything I said.