White

[Surf]

Broken sun rain
Beats on a morning walk.
- Every Saturday, I say, I promise
Waltzing.
And dawn crawls on the wind;
A soliloquy floats through the trees


Glass letters
With lines I’ve practised
And vows like jazz returned
with a pewter ring from a pawn shop
- My Mother’s
I turn my tongue around this hyperbole
And hope
for the best.


The rain has stopped
all the forest; the plastic earth and the thin air,
All the words a stage.


But the bed, with its sheets
that cling to you like belief
with the sweat
in your eyes
coppered smooth like old pennies.
This oak cage, carved into the floor.
Here, honest silence sits tight
and I can rest my prose.


I hold you with my words,
and these echoes hold me tighter.
I lie like snow,
to keep you close.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Something from an old LC. I'll return whatever crits I get, yadda yadda yadda

[Surf]

???

[RunAmokRampant]

Broken sun rain
Beats on a morning walk.
- Every Saturday, I say, I promise
Waltzing.
And dawn crawls on the wind;
A soliloquy floats through the trees


I love the imagery here. It's very natural feeling with the rain, dawn, wind and trees. A nice scene depicted although I think the opening line is a little stuttering with the two nouns of sun and rain compounded.

Glass letters
With lines I’ve practised
And vows like jazz returned
with a pewter ring from a pawn shop
- My Mother’s
I turn my tongue around this hyperbole
And hope
for the best.

The natural tone changes here but I don't mind as the first stanza somehow lingers. Its progressive in the narrative, the imagery of glass letters is a nice additional but I dislike the line 'I turn my tongue around this hyperbole' for some reason. I think this part could be developed into a more succinct phrase as it sounds awkward with the word hyperbole. Maybe exaggeration or something similar? I also fail to see the connection in the lines in italics but that's probably me being ignorant.

The rain has stopped
all the forest; the plastic earth and the thin air,
All the words a stage.

And the natural imagery returns. I like this consistency and juxtaposition.

But the bed, with its sheets
that cling to you like belief
with the sweat
in your eyes
coppered smooth like old pennies.
This oak cage, carved into the floor.
Here, honest silence sits tight
and I can rest my prose.


Again your strongest asset in this piece is the imagery. It's A grade material. 'cling to you like belief' and 'honest silence' work perfectly in creating an atmosphere I'm not quite sure of but it is a pleasant read.

I hold you with my words,
and these echoes hold me tighter.
I lie like snow,
to keep you close.

Is this about marriage or commitment? With words like vows, rings, and the title of white. I'm not exactly sure of what this is about but that's the impression I get.

Overall I thought this was pretty good. There is a lack of linkage between stanzas and I think it works well for the imagery but not for the progression of the narrative. I think there should be more italic lines to really flesh out the speaker of the poem. Sorry it's not much of a crit and but I'm probably a but insensitive to the meanings of this poem but I'm busy with life and all the crap. It was a very nice read.

[TojesDolan]

/racial profile

Anyway, dot I was going to do this today
but tomorrow = (

[Surf]

Whole thing is about the insecurities of having to lie to someone you love, just to keep them interested.

Basically:

I lie like snow,
to keep you close.

Little white lies to make someone feel better. Who does this affect more? is it moral? like snow, will they just melt away when things get better?

yada yada yada.

I hate explaining myself. I'm rubbish at it.