Hands In Sand

[Phototropic]

http://download.yousendit.com/4A81080E5B1D4387

^^^

thats the music, no vocals recorded yet, and not sure where the lyrics are going to fit in....the name + lyrics are inspired by Kyuss and the music is inspired by Isis

I never ever write lyrics cos they make me cringe, im so bad

but i had an experience at the beach the other day, was so peaceful i was inspired to get it down

please please, tell me what is awful, and what i need to work on

Thank you

Wade into the sea
Gripping Hands so tight

---

The sun burns my skin
Atop the rock
Freshly scratched from her hand

---

Hands in sand
Stumbling over ruined land

Far as oceans to walk
coming from the sea

You and me

[drumass04]

In places this is really very nice. In others it's a little too cliched for my liking.

I think there's a slight problem with plurality (is that a word) in there, though it may just be the way I'm interpreting it!

'Wade into the sea
Gripping Hands so tight'

--This is nice, it creates a brilliant image, very peaceful and intimate. I like the way you have emphasised hands with the capital letter, however the phrase 'gripping hands' doesn't quite work for me. It's almost a little too vague, what hands, who's hands? It's obvious as you read further on, but I feel it isn't quite right anyhow.

'The sun burns my skin
Atop the rock
Freshly scratched from her hand'

--Again, this is very well written, it flows wonderfully and the imagery is fantastic. Just one little problem, what has been scratched from her hand? The rock? The sun?! It would be nice if that could be a little more obvious. Other than that, very good. Are you sure you don't do this all the time?!

'Hands in sand
Stumbling over ruined land'

--I almost thought you were going to head into a cliche, but I was pleasantly suprised to see 'sand' :P By ruined land do you mean the beach, which is worn away stone (i.e sand)? If so, I really like it. If not, then it's good as it's left open to interpretation! The simplicity of the rhyme was also very nice and refreshing. It works really well.

'Far as oceans to walk
coming from the sea'

--This seemed a little jumbled to me, perhaps just re-organise it, or re-word it so it makes sense. I know what you are getting at, but it isn't overly clear at the moment.

'You and me'

--The cliche sirens are whining in my ear I'm afraid. This lets the whole piece down. Please think of something new!!!



Overall this is really well written, especially as it's not something you do very often/at all!! Very well done, keep it up.

It shows what a bit of inspiration can do!

Timmy

[Phototropic]

Wow how the **** did i forget to reply to this, so sorry

In places this is really very nice. In others it's a little too cliched for my liking.

I think there's a slight problem with plurality (is that a word) in there, though it may just be the way I'm interpreting it!

'Wade into the sea
Gripping Hands so tight'

--This is nice, it creates a brilliant image, very peaceful and intimate. I like the way you have emphasised hands with the capital letter, however the phrase 'gripping hands' doesn't quite work for me. It's almost a little too vague, what hands, who's hands? It's obvious as you read further on, but I feel it isn't quite right anyhow.

ahhh yeah its gotta keep a bit of mystery going otherwise it would be too obvious haha, this song was inspired by brushing hands with someone though, as daft as it sounds

'The sun burns my skin
Atop the rock
Freshly scratched from her hand'

--Again, this is very well written, it flows wonderfully and the imagery is fantastic. Just one little problem, what has been scratched from her hand? The rock? The sun?! It would be nice if that could be a little more obvious. Other than that, very good. Are you sure you don't do this all the time?!

thank you haha i assure you i never write lyrics, i cant hack it most of the time

well she scratched something into a rock face, but it could be seen as the rock scratching her hand or something like that, even though its not :smoke:


'Hands in sand
Stumbling over ruined land'

--I almost thought you were going to head into a cliche, but I was pleasantly suprised to see 'sand' :P By ruined land do you mean the beach, which is worn away stone (i.e sand)? If so, I really like it. If not, then it's good as it's left open to interpretation! The simplicity of the rhyme was also very nice and refreshing. It works really well.

yeah thats what i mean , cos the beach is so uneven, dunes, rocks, driftwood, litter and such

'Far as oceans to walk
coming from the sea'

--This seemed a little jumbled to me, perhaps just re-organise it, or re-word it so it makes sense. I know what you are getting at, but it isn't overly clear at the moment.

yeah this bit is ****ed, i need to re-do it

'You and me'

--The cliche sirens are whining in my ear I'm afraid. This lets the whole piece down. Please think of something new!!!

I agree, i wasnt 100% on this lyric


Overall this is really well written, especially as it's not something you do very often/at all!! Very well done, keep it up.

It shows what a bit of inspiration can do!

Timmy

thank you very much for taking the time and writing all that out, great to have another opinion

peace!

:chug:

[Dinosawesome]

Wade into the sea
Gripping Hands so tight
I don't see why you capitalised 'hands', but apart from that I like this. It's a good start- sets the tone, scene and pace with as distinct an image as you could get out of eight words.

The sun burns my skin
Atop the rock
Freshly scratched from her hand
Same as above, simple elegance sometimes works better than complex eloquence.


Hands in sand
Stumbling over ruined land
Triple rhymes are, as a general rule of thumb, a no-no; however, if it works for what you have in mind, keep it. I personally would play around with it and see if I could get something that fits in better with what you did in the first few stanzas. Even something like changing 'Hands in sand' to 'Buried hands'- once again though, your piece, your choice.

Far as oceans to walk
coming from the sea
This doesn't make sense, unless it's
"[As] far as oceans to walk coming from the sea."
But that still doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'd play around with it to see what I could work out.

You and me
A simple finish but it does a good job of summing it all up.

Overall, it's a very nice piece. Not something that will stick in my head but it shows promise if you're willing to devote a little more time to it.

6/10

[Abaddon2005]

It's ok, but a little short if it'll be a long song.