Swim (Timmy P is back - for now!)

[drumass04]

I haven't been around here in what seems like an age. Some of you might remember me, a load of you are probably new and haven't a clue who I am. Either way, here's one of my latest. I'm trying to berak out of another writer's block; exams aren't exactly helping matters!

Crit for crit as usual, if there's anything specific you want looking at leave a link :)


Swim

When the seasons pass;
Let the dark memories flow
Down glistening mountain streams.
But hold, those flighty in their path,

Swim.
Swim.
Swim. Let go.

Mother. Hold as the seasons pass,
Through your empty fingertips
Those last bright memories
Of the man, that left for lighter paths.

Swim.
Swim.
Swim. Let go.


Tim Peacock
11/4/2007
©2007

Enjoy, all constructive criticism welcome!

[DeadReligion]

HEY DAWG! WHAT UP HOMIE?!

Alright, the one major problem here is it is too vague. What are the memories? Be specific.

[Surf]

Ugh. stoned posting = nono

See below for crit

[Surf]

I really liked this. The idea of letting go of memories was really good, and was dealt with very well. Like DR said, it is vague, which could be a problem. But then making it too specific might rob from the atmosphere of the piece. I would sugget alluding to the memories a little more. Maybe later one of the lines, or use a sly reference or something similar.

Aside from that, the only line I had a real problem with was

But hold, those flighty in their path,

I don't like the use of the word 'flightly', which seems too wishy washy and, like was mentioned, vague. And its not too great a description anyway.
Try switching this line out for something a little more tonally consistant and specific.

But anyway, good work. Nice to see you back man.

[drumass04]

Ahhhh, good to see the old guys :)

I wasn't quite sure about the vagueness myself, but it kind of goes with a load of my other pieces, which tell the whole story. I know I've posted a couple of them on here, I'll run a search for them in a bit.

Surf, I'll take a look at that line and see what I can do :)


DR, good to 'see' you again! It's been quite a while! Things are pretty cool atm, mum's re-married, new house, fresh beginnings. The only downer is the exams!

Thanks a lot

Timmy

[DeadReligion]

Hah. Exams. I just failed my AP Exam. THAT blew. Now my last two years of history were wasted. No college cred. Awesome that you're back, though, could you check out my piece? Science Vs. God? Thanks.

[DaTwig]

I was hoping to add some more criticism to this piece, but I think Surf pretty much nailed it on the head.

It is a little vague, and a little short. Adding some more whether it be another stanza or just a few more lines probably wouldn't hurt. But seeing how you stated it ties in with several other pieces of yours it wouldn't need much more.

Sorry, wish I could have been more helpful, but all in all, I'd say you have a solid, short but sweet piece on your hands. :thumb:

By the way, would you mind taking a look at my song, "Magnetic?" It's about a month or so old, but I never got a lot of crits on it. I really wanted to work on it, so your help would be greatly appreciated.

[JasonL220]

Great effort, not sure about the use of "filthy", try some other words/phrases etc... but apart from that it's great, seems a bit short.

8/10

[TojesDolan]

Made up a lack of content (extension-wise) with a much more dense piece. I like it. Nonetheless some found it too dense. I think it's the right amount of dense, but then again my tastes are vague and rarely I will converge even in my own trains of thought. Like now.

:)

Anyway, focusing on the piece, I think it's nice, the images are present and stand where they should. There's no oceanic view on swimming, or letting go, or just forgetting, in my eyes it's more about the intricate imagery right there: the water in a mountain is supposed to wash out everything downhill, or something. But... yeah, interpretations. I think there's no need to say that I think it's very good, since it left me thinking and that's always a great, great thing. :)

Nonetheless, some parts are hindering the overall experience. The first thing is of course, memories. There's nothing wrong with the word, it's just the over-use of the word nowadays makes a bit dull, and compared to the much better used vocabulary over the piece... well. It just makes me feel a bit meh about the word.

Nonetheless great piece! Needs a bit of rewording here or there (for convenience sakes) but yeah. Rock and roll baby.

[Nightvision]

Hey Timmy, nice to see you back round here.

As was usually the way when I was here, Surf and Tojes have beaten me to the majority of points, but I'll throw my (very rusty) 2 pence worth into the bucket.

I'm not sure 'flighty' was quite the word you were looking for. It describes what I know you're trying to say, but fits very awkwardly into the sentence. The problem is, I can't think of the word either, so afraid I can't be much help there!

I'm also a little confused as to how the first stanza relates to the second. I think I know what the piece is about, and if it is about 'moving on' as it were (a bit of a crude description from me there, but I'm lazy...), then I'm not sure if the first stanza is packed a little too dense with imagery and therefore a little light on meaning. Of course, that's simply my interpretation, and let's face it, I've been known to be wrong! :p