untamed planet-rep for crit!!!

[username_is_taken]

un-tamed planet:

conforming to cult
but deep inside you know
this cannot be the truth

false prophesy

selfishness, deprivance, lonlyness
encompass that which is man

this i cannot bear to witness,
as these heathens fall to the sickness
the fruit was so sweet, and power within
who could resist to abolish his divine plan.


chorus:
this untamed planet
when will i be free from thee
this untame world
(starts befoer the end of last stanza)]
wish we could all be free
but men have fallen to themselves
yet again!!!!

Fetal, i sit in the corner
praying for god to release me from this hell

desperation

cannot espape from the rushing
assembly of fear

chorus:
this untame planet
when will i be free from thee
this untame world
(starts befoer the end of last stanza)]
wish we could all be free
inevitible end is drawing me into nothingness

bridge:
this will never replenish, never return,
best we can do is watch this wretched planet burn
when nothing is left, and all is dead and gone
all time will collapse, with a crushin ruin of stone

this is a work in progress, tell me how i can make it better, rep for crits, thanx!

[username_is_taken]

bump

[username_is_taken]

bump....

[Kage]

This is awful.

[DavidTheFifth]

Very bad.

I was talking about your avatar but this song is terrible too.


I give the whole display a 1/10

[username_is_taken]

whats so bad about it

[GleamInRanks]

when will i be free from thee
praying for god to release me from this hell
this cannot be the truth
All those lines are soooooo cliché, as are the rest of the lyrics. This whole concept has been done too many times, don't you think?
Fetal, i sit in the corner
That just sounds stupid.

[username_is_taken]

damn why do u guys always think my peoms suck, i mean it might not be a genious poem or anything, i know its not god awful like you guys said.

[GleamInRanks]

Try writing about something interesting.

[Efrim]

I suggest you read more poetry, and then try again. And write way more, without necessarily posting them. You only get better practice, its no different from anything else.

But yes, this particular one is rather cliched, and stuttery.

[DeadReligion]

Spell check, mother****er. Also, it isn't so much that this is cliche, which, it is. It's the way you present it. Blunt is fine, but this is too boring. Try telling a story that happened to you like...a microcosm; something small that represents a large portion of us. I.E. You telling us a story about conformity that can relate to the whole world, instead of trying to take on the whole world in one poem. I like the idea of an untame planet though, except that you should choose a different word, as untame isn't one.

[Surf]

Bascially what DR said.

And the tone is so inconsistant. Try keeping in the same style and not veering wildly about. Its distracting.

And alot of the phrases don't make sense. you need to proof read alot more.

[username_is_taken]

k thanx guys, ill work on it and post again