like paint upon the floor.

[bowl of oranges]

I am a single pine.
With life and breath and growth.
Within the folds of lush forest,
oft graced with rain and snow.

But worse chills and leaves me cold.
One day i shall fall.
To the glint of heavy metal.
And when i fall not all shall hear,
but i shall be missed.

Yes, the world will know i'm gone.
I can hope another will
rise into the light, that spills to the floor,
to take my place.
To keep this planet breathing.

So whilst i try and catch my breath
i'll remember, there's always hope.
Hope that makes us rise when others fall.
Hope that makes us reach for the light
that is spilt, like paint upon the floor.

Let's all rise once more.

22 march 07.

[JuggerKnoT]

wow when are you getting that published? that would impress the great RL Stien himself :)

[bowl of oranges]

I have never been published.

I think you were trying to compliment me, so thanks.

[JuggerKnoT]

you're welcome :)


i enjoyed it alot i can't wait to read your next piece


ttyl :chug:

[bowl of oranges]

Some constructive criticism on this piece would be great, i haven't written in a while...

[toxicmudd]

i read the first line and thought it would be like pretty much everything else on these forums (my stuff included) ie. crap.

But i really really like it. I'm not sure whether it would ever make it as a song, but i like the use of line breaks in the third stanza, its new and different. I also like how u havn't overused that technique which would leave it bland and stop any flow.

The fourth stanza is brilliant, love the first line, love the way it ends, and i dont mean to say that the stuff in between isnt also great.
So yeah i like it, but i feel your very first line lets you down. However it sets up the whole poem, and i cant see another way around it.

good work

[bowl of oranges]

The first line was intentionally left to be blunt and bare and simple, the piece revolves around it. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, i'm not too sure. I wanted to try and strip out most of the eloquent language to leave a more honest approach.

I'm glad you enjoyed the piece to some degree though, i appreciate the time taken to comment upon it. I'll get to critiquing something of yours soon.