The Hourglass Suite

[Surtr]

Alright, I'm going to write these as I go, and it's going to be inspired by a bagpipe tune called "The Hourglass Suite". If any of you want me to post the tune, I can, it's not your normal bagpipe tune. Thanks for Crit. in advance.

"The Hourglass Suite" - Simon Fraser University Pipe Band

http://www.sendspace.com/file/7uq726

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In the fields he lays,
Wasting away his days,

He knows not why,
His father did die,

But this man is soon going home,


By the church he stands,
Ready to leave these lands,

They have forsaken him,
They have forever taken him,

And this man is soon to leave this stone,


His spirit lies within,
It lies out on the wind,

It remains by the shore,
It lasts forever more,

And this man is no longer alone,


Lost all he ever once had,
Lost everything without his dad,

Until he found it there,
Laying without a care,

In a field so far from home,


"Let it go now father,
We will wait no longer,

I have found you once again,
Laying here like a friend,

Laying in this Hourglass Suite"


Laying ever so neat,
Within this little Hourglass Suite,

That I call home

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No editing done to it, so it may be rough. But I wanted to just try it. Rep++ or Crit. For Crit. :thumb:

[Eliminator]

horrible stop writing in couplets

[Surtr]

Thanks Nick.

[DepthsOfDreams555]

Ahhh Stew posting some lyrics I see.

Can you tell me why you structured it like you did? In the rhyming couplets?

I felt like you forced the majority of your rhymes and the piece does flow nicely but the forced rhyming took away from it. It would help if you used more imagery, use more metaphors, similes, etc. but I liked the repetition you used.

What I liked most was it really did flow nicely and I liked the story you told however I didn't like the structure. Good job though man.

[Eliminator]

needs more rhymes like dewdrops/snowflake

[DepthsOfDreams555]

needs more rhymes like dewdrops/snowflake

I agree, that would be best.

[Surtr]

Hahaha, Rep++ just for that Nick ;)

Zach: Once I have the song uploaded I think you'll see what it's structured the way it is. It fits the song, Normally I wouldn't have written it like that.

[DepthsOfDreams555]

Ahh I see. alright. I'm not usually into bagpipe tunes but I'll give it a listen.

[Surtr]

Hahaha yeah.

I dunno, for a 'real' bagpiper, it's **** like this that makes you get hard ons :p It's not really a normal bagpipe tune at all, it's covered in chords and ****, and I guess it's pretty simple, but consider we've got the 9 notes (G, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, A) it's quite amazing.

EDIT: There the song is edit'd in the first post.

[Permanent Solution]

I'll have to agree with the majority here that a lot of the rhyming is, well, overused. And I'm a fan of rhyming. A large part is that most of them aren't particularly clever and so it gives off an impression of being forced even if it is not.

Thematically I think the idea fits your intentions for it, however, for all the apparent length there actually isn't much material in here. I think the story could use more development and depth.

Imagery wasn't in and of itself overtly strng, but since you stated the mood and idea you were trying to convey I could envision it well enough musically. So I think it could be improved though with music it would probably suffice. But as standalone lyrics not as much.

[Surtr]

Alright, thanks man.

I'm going to touch it up and fix it for sure then.

As I said, I didn't go back and correct anything but spelling errors, so it's quite rough.

[Surf]

I'm jumping on the rhyming bandwagon. Because your lines are so short and structured, it doesn't give you enough room to really expand the ideas images. Right now, it just seems to be [idea][rhyme][idea][rhyme]. A big help here would be enjambement, run over the lines and see what you can make of it. It'll also allow you to eliminate some of the weaker lines which seem forced.

I do really like the idea of the hourglass suite though; its just the rigid structure that kills it. Try looking more into the enjambement, as well as half/slight rhymes, which might make things a bit less rigid.

[Surtr]

Think you could explain this a little bit further for me?

I kinda' get what you're saying but not fully.

[Surf]

Sorry, I'll try to be a bit clearer.

take:

He knows not why,
His father did die,


There's two separate ideas here, connected loosely, but forcibly separated. the syntax in the second line is clearly defined by the structure and it sounds pretty awkward; would you ever use 'his father did die' in every day conversation? You split the line around the comma. If you were to keep it as one straight sentence, and break the line halfway through, then it would seem alot less fractured.

Look in the guide for better phrased advice, or just google enjambment. I haven't really explained it well, but its a difficult technique to nail properly