The Little Pleasures

[Seeders]

Sometimes it feels like, I dont have a purpose.
Like nothing inside has any worth.
Like all I do is feel what hurts,
But I cant point a finger.

I tried to be cool but, thats not how it works.
Gave her my passion but quickly learned
Im too lonely for a crowded world,
There must be something more.

Stuck in the backseat, nobody's driving.
No control and lost on a highway.
I still enjoy the trees going by,
Oh the pleasures of life.

[Seeders]

id really like some feedback on this one. :)

[Surf]

First two verses need more metaphor/imagery/simile etc. Pretty blunt and boring. 'Like all I do is feel what hurts' - this sounds so angsty and bland.

The third stanza is the best; you use and extended metaphor and it works ok. Need more of that kind of thing.

So well done for staying away from the usual traps of rhyming etc. The only problem now is the written expression. Work on incorporating more complicated metaphors into your work; straight up as it is, its dull and uninteresting. Add some sophistication, for further advice on how, check the s&l guide.

[Seeders]

thanks. :chug:

[RunAmokRampant]

Just to extend Surf critique that the 3rd Stanza is the best, because it actually has some focal point with the imagery and the overall impact of the piece. While it is good however, the imagery of the driving in the backseat feels clunky because of its inconsistency with the rest of the piece. There is no real linkage between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas and I feel that readers become confused with the different ideas that seem to negate each other a bit.

[toxicmudd]

it feels overly depressing purely for the point of being miserable, instead of conveying any real emotion. The first and second stanzas have little direction, however i disagree that it is down to a lack of metaphor. Whilst it doesn't contain much in teh way of metaphors i dont think that it is vital for a good piece.

[trippedhimself]

a bit depressing and maybe a bit contrived.
3rd stanza = best. i really enjoyed reading it. but i wasnt to interested at the beginning. a bit dull and unoriginal. try using some mor e creative metaphors. overall - just alright. keep writing though.

[Seeders]

thank you. I see what you mean by the first two stanzas just "being depressed" and nothing else interesting going on. great feedback. :cool:

[PsychoTronn2]

awesome

8/10

[myassitches]

Sometimes it feels like, I dont have a purpose.
Like nothing inside has any worth.
Like all I do is feel what hurts,
But I cant point a finger.

I tried to be cool but, thats not how it works.
Gave her my passion but quickly learned
Im too lonely for a crowded world,
There must be something more.

Stuck in the backseat, nobody's driving.
No control and lost on a highway.
I still enjoy the trees going by,
Oh the pleasures of life.

for some reason i think of under the bridge. sing it the that tune but phrase it differently.

"sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner..."
"sometimes it feels like, I dont have a purpose..."

:naughty: yeah?