feel her corpse

[JuggerKnoT]

i feel her rotting insides around my swollen head

i make it all gushy and hope she bled

i want to stick it deeper but there is only one way

put it up its ***, it is female so it isn't gay

have a nice day

[Surf]

Seriously?

This is five lines. In that five lines, there was not one interesting idea, not one slight turn of phrase that I found remotely engaging. You try to offend, to break taboo, but its worse than that; its just dull.

You can't even use correct grammar/punctuation.

So congratulations; you've made it into my personal 'Surf's 5 worst songs he's seen on the forums'.

In terms of improvement, check out the s&l guide. It will give you a grounding in how to write well. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but these kinds of lyrics don't interest me, even when they're well written.

[Surtr]

Not even real.

Just close it and probably Rep--

[Seeders]

you're forcing the rhyme. All in all i think it could work if you put more work into it. It may work well as a subsection of a larger poem.

someone once said a poem is never finished, only abandoned.

[joe_04_04]

hmm...sounds like your talking about necrophilia, and these lyrics are way to much like "I Cum Blood" by cannibal corpse...