Mother Gaia, how I weep thee

[punknmetal4lyf]

Like moths to the light we fly
And burn our wings e'er we reach the sun

The earth and sky tremble with the fire
Fire we created
It is our weapons that kill gaia
Our weapons that seal our fate

King sky weeps sulferous blood
In agony over his lost love
As she spews fire in throws of death
Fire we don't seem to see

Gaia, we mourn thee!
We were selfish and cruel
Full of foolish pride, thinking ourselves immortal
But we killed you
Because we were too full of hate
To see beyond our need for destruction

Mourn not, my children
She says
For though some among you will die
I have faith
You will survive me long hereafter
And when I am healed
You will return to my embrace

Thus civilization is laid to rest
And we struggle in a cold new world


Okay, I tried to update things a bit. Still not great. Anyway, never mind the title, btw. I just needed something real quick to throw in there.

[Surf]

Style over substance it seems.

You've tried to over-complicate things here, tred somewhat to make it seem overly poetic, and its beyond you to be honest. For example; the title doesn't make sense, just seems to try too hard.

Because of this, it seems very insincere. You've tried to write a piece in what seems an old poetic style, but it doesn't work. Either because you may not understand what you're doing, or because you've just used it incorrectly.

You've tried to hard to make it seem like poetry. Using e'er looks somewhat ridiculous in context because its unecessary: you don't seem to be paying attention to a strict meter, so why shorten the word? What would have been more impressive is if you had paid more attention to classical forms and structures as opposed to the spelling.


On the other hand, the somewhat romantic leanings of the writing style DO lend themselves well to your subject matter. You just need more substance if you're going to write in this style. Check out the s&l writing guide for help.

[Eliminator]

loooooooooooooooooool

[Seeders]

There were a few lines in there I liked, and thought worked well. There were other lines that completely didn't work at all.

Like moths to the light we fly
And burn our wings e'er we reach the sun

I like the opening two lines, but I do agree with the above poster that e'er is unnecessary.

The earth and sky tremble with the fire
Fire we created
Our weapons are killing gaia
And our apathy wounds her

the second and third lines here say pretty much the same thing, and the use of apathy seems forced. It seems like you were trying to find a way to use "apathy".

good concept, but i think it needs revising.

[punknmetal4lyf]

Umm thanks for the criticism actually. I don't write in a strict meter, but rather try to imitate the natural cadence of human speech, which is why I used e'er. The flow of things is very much in my head. You couldn't pin it down but it makes sense to me. Were I to have music added and to sing the words the rhythm might make sense to you.

Otherwise everything else is basically dead on as far as your criticisms. I tried to make it a little too poetic and a lot of it felt forced. I'll take your criticisms in mind for when next I write a song.