It's Unfortunate

[Greendaynofx]

this idea came to me as i left gooooooood friends house one night as it snowed...

the famous boundary i speak of is a high way.
-----
please watch as i slowly exit your sight
please watch the snow fall throughout the night
take to heart the moments that have just passed
but remember that somethings never last

you watched the snow cover my footprints, thinking I'd be back
but on that night, my mind was slightly off track
it seems too much of a good thing can come to haunt you
i crossed that famous boundary as i thought of you

my mother always said "be careful"
well, i wouldve been but i was thinking of you
and its unfortunate, i thought id be back too
but the car was too big and i was confused

i thought i was home, i felt so warm

in reality, it was your image in my head
it gave off such heat, i didnt think i was dead
as i crossed the street, my body met pavement
and the last you saw of me was just a footprint

[Greendaynofx]

123.

[Seeders]

Alright, your rhyming and use of vocabulary needs improvement. I did like much of the imagery you got in though. My favorite line that produced a well executed image in my head was:

you watched the snow cover my footprints, thinking I'd be back

I like the story as well, but it needs work on the execution. Your rhyming is very annoying and highly degrades the piece.

Also a lot of the lines seem awkwardly worded. It didn't flow too well for me.

Dont get discouraged though, I think this has promise if you stick with it. :chug: