Closing Thoughts

[Permanent Solution]

Ok, pay attention: If you want a crit back, post a link in here. If you want a crit back, write something useful or at least proving you thought about it. I promise to crit back whatever you ask in at least decent detail, but it may take a few days. Thanks :)

PS I'm a masochist so the meaner you are the more I like you ;)


I’m told we have five minutes left
Until life becomes what it seeks
An active search for purpose
Leads to a result so bleak

What happens when time is past?
Perhaps I’ll float like light off glass
Or maybe sink beneath the ocean
To replenish the oil at last

I’m not so worried about then
As the present whittles away
Knowing I’ve done nothing of note
Yet still speechless, nothing to say

Perhaps it’s an infinite line
Where end meets end and so
No matter how many twists
You never determine where you go

Perhaps all this thinking is a waste
But if that’s true I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find

[Greendaynofx]

It's hard to be mean about something that has nothing bad about it.

What happens when time is past?
Perhaps I’ll float like light off glass

and

Perhaps all this thinking is a waste
But if that’s true I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find

are twp parts that made the biggest impression.

i like how the ending is kind of like a summary/conclusion of the song.

[Surtr]

Replenishing my oil usage at last

Didn't like the use of the word "usage" here, maybe try something different. It sounds..out of place? I dunno, it may be just me.


Perhaps all this thinking is a waste
But if that’s true I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find

I'm gonna' be straight..I really like this. It's the highlight for me. It just rhymes nice, says everything the lyrics have to say. To be honest, If it was me, I'd almost considering dropping the rest and using them for something else, and just keeping this one part as a small Poem.

[Eliminator]

I re-wrote it how I think it should be

I’m told we have five minutes left
Until life becomes what it seeks
An active search for purpose
Leads to results so bleak

What happens when time is past? (this doesn't make sense..)
Perhaps I’ll float like light off glass
Maybe sink beneath the ocean
To replenish the oil at last

I’m not so worried about then
As the present whittles away
Knowing I’ve done nothing of note
Yet still speechless, nothing to say

It’s an infinite line
Where end meets end
And no matter how many twists
You'll never know where you're going

Because all this thinking is a waste
And if that’s true, I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find

[Rowan²]

Perhaps all this thinking is a waste
But if that’s true I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find[/I]

Awesomeness.

[Surf]

PS I'm a masochist so the meaner you are the more I like you

K

I’m told we have five minutes left
Until life becomes what it seeks
An active search for purpose
Leads to a result so bleak

Last two lines are very good, and the first is quite good. The problem is the second line. Too abstract in the sense of not exact. 'Life becomes what it seeks' seems very pretentious and doesn't make that much sense. Ther's probably better ways of writing the same idea, you just need to search for the right word/phrasing. The problem is 'life' - its a very abstract noun in this context, and putting it into something which is already pretty metaphorical/metaphysical doesn't help. The rhymes work ok, I'm not really a fan, but its subtle and you've chosen a good scheme which would probably work well with a melody (assuming you're putting it to music)

What happens when time is past?
Perhaps I’ll float like light off glass
Or maybe sink beneath the ocean
To replenish the oil at last

Rhymes here aren't so good. The first two lines the rhymes aren't exact, and it confuses the structure. Change out glass for something similar, because I like the image. The syntax could be better there. The sentence is too abrubt following on from the rhetorical question. Play with the expression here (keeping glass in, just in a different place in the line might be quite a nice idea) so the second line doesn't seem so rushed.

I’m not so worried about then
As the present whittles away
Knowing I’ve done nothing of note
Yet still speechless, nothing to say

'Then' doesn't work for me. Be specific, 'then' seems too much like false poeticism. 'Nothing of note' is a great turn of phrase, but I don't like the natural caesure in the final line. the comma ruins the flow for me and makes the end seem juttery where it should be smooth. Maybe a connective could help, or, again, play with the syntax.

Perhaps it’s an infinite line
Where end meets end and so
No matter how many twists
You never determine where you go

This is where the internal rhyme works well for you. Immediately following 'so' with 'no' works well, such a simple rhyme just slots into place. This is my favourite verse, not too much to say about it. Just that look at the way the rhyme works here, and maybe try it in a few other places. Not too much though. Its that fine balance.

Perhaps all this thinking is a waste
But if that’s true I don’t mind
Spending your last moments in reflection
Is the best security you can find

Good ending.The only line I'm not too happy with is the first. The thinking is a waste part seems dull compared to the rest of the word choice. A bit bland.

Overall, very good. You'd benefit from looking more into the syntax and sentance structure. play around with it, and punctuation, and you should find some interesting turns of pharse emerging.

Good stuff, I wish I'd been harsher :(